Why do changes typically feel bad?

I don’t know that I have all the answers to that question, but I do know that I have learned to embrace changes with less angst over the last several years.  However, there have been moments when it seemed there were changes at every turn, which left me speechless, asking God why?

Yes, we have some changes going on over here, but not changes at every turn that leaves me speechless.

Change #1

We have a new potty!

Who would ever think I would be excited to share with you that bit of information?

My potty is now like 24 inches tall.  I need a kid’s stool to put under my feet when sitting on this potty!  However, it allows Zine to transfer to and from the commode much easier.  We had put a bedside commode on top of our existing commode, which was taller than average to begin with. However, we had to raise the level the past year to transfer Zine.  The bedside commode was an eyesore for one.  Talk about screaming disabled or dying person to me every time I went to the bathroom…that did it!

Not only that, it was not safe.  Zine had many falls over the past year, transferring from the commode to his wheelchair.  Can I be honest for a minute?  When he falls, it isn’t easy!  His body is like a 2 x 4 piece of wood, and his ability to help me disappears.  Try getting someone out of the floor who is as solid and stiff as a board!  It’s not easy.

While the new commode still does not give complete independence for him in the bathroom, it makes it much safer and more accessible for him.  And I’m glad to have that bedside commode gone!  It makes going into my bathroom easier.

Change #2

I’ve started a new blog series.

I am not writing it; I am sharing stories of others who have struggled with “Why God?” questions and found faith in the struggle.

At the first writing conference I ever went to, I knew I was in like company.  These people were like me.  I came home and told Zine that I didn’t feel set apart for the first time in a long time, but instead, I fit in.  Many people who write have struggled through significant circumstances!  Their faith was ignited in a new way during their struggle, or they found faith for the first time.

I am honored to be able to share their stories with you.  If you would like not to receive these guest posts, please let me know, and I will try to figure out how to remove you from the recipient list.  Technology is never my friend!

Change #3

My uterus hates me.

I saw another writer friend put this on her Facebook status, and I thought it was a great explanation.  I have been fatigued over the last year.  It has become my normal feeling.  I thought it was just part of getting older.

Finally, in desperation, I went to the doctor. I discovered that I had some blood levels out of whack due to experiencing horrid cycles.  No wonder I was tired all the time! I knew my hormones were changing; I didn’t realize the physical effect on my body.

In the past three months, I’ve been poked and prodded more than I have in years.  One thing led to another, like in the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Low blood counts, female check-up, uterus biopsy, which I was awake for, ending early this week with a uterine ablation and a couple of other procedures done simultaneously.  The cremation of my uterus is complete.  Geesh, I thought I might need to be cremated for a few days.  Simply stated, I am the worst patient ever.  I thought the anesthesia meds would never leave my system. Sleeping for days is not my idea of fun.

Gratitude Amidst the Smith Chronicles

Thankfully, we have a caregiver now that is a true God blessing.  Without her, I don’t know that we would have survived this week.  She is slowly becoming family.  But y’all life is different when there is a caregiver in your house.

I recall having some great caregivers for my parents, but it came with a level of adjustment with each new caregiver.  I can imagine how difficult this is for my girls.  I’ve tried to educate them that this is a way that God is expanding our family!  He’s giving us a new ministry field.  After all, our prayer has always been that we would be a light for Jesus in whatever situation we are in.

Changes are hard!  There is no denying that fact.  However, we have a choice in how we look at changes.  As I’ve shared before, there would be no butterflies if life never changed.  There is beauty in the changes if we choose to stop, look, and watch God work.

Anxiety at its best!

Want to know what happens at my house all too often?  Anxiety takes its place and wreaks havoc in our bodies, minds, hearts, and sometimes relationships.  Over the last month, all three of us girls have struggled tremendously.  I preach to my girls all the time that we need to take control of every thought that holds us captive to anxiety.  Well, I’ll be doggone, I have worked hard at controlling my thoughts and not letting them control me, but the anxiety was still real and still present, taking its toll on me.

One night Krisann shared how anxiety was taking a toll on her life.  It was such a precious time that we had with her that night.  We have walked through the fire of anxiety the past few weeks, but we are surviving.

We have taken moments to stop, look, and watch God work in the middle of anxiety. 

When God Works in His Ways

I was scheduled for surgery on Tuesday.  With Zine being disabled, he can’t drive me to doctor’s appointments, medical procedures, or surgery.  Can I share that I organized a plan for this surgery date several weeks in advance?  My sweet friend put it on her calendar.  Everyone needs an Allison in their life!

Allison and I Marco Polo’ed at 7:30 am.  Guess who woke up sick?  My Allison!  My friend knows me well and would take great care of me. Want to talk about anxiety taking its toll in the frantic minutes to follow anxiety wreaked havoc.

My Response

I posted a prayer request in our church’s prayer team, asking them to pray that God would provide miraculously.  I began to think of those who knew what was going on who said they would help, and I started sending text messages saying I would take the first offer to drive me.

At this moment, not only was my anxiety soaring, but my sadness was lit up as well.  Sadness that my husband was disabled and couldn’t do what he wanted to do or what I wanted him to be able to do–take care of me!

Blessings always follow when God puts us in moments where we have to receive!

We have been slow to make connections in our new church.  I’m pretty sure that’s on us!  Proceeding cautiously, holding our breath, is kind of how it feels!  We needed some time to sit and be poured into.  It wasn’t time for us to serve.  As I well know, when you serve together, your hearts are joined together.

What would you know?  The first person to call me was our care pastor.  Do I know her?  Yes, on a certain level, but I didn’t “really” know her nor her me.

But guess what, our hearts have connected.  You see, I want my family cared for, but I don’t like myself cared for.  A lesson I am not sure I will ever learn!  However, my heart overflowed with gratitude for her changing her entire day to be with me.  Later, as we sat on the side of Research Park Boulevard in the middle of 5 pm traffic, I stuck my head out the window sick.  (Anesthesia always seems to do that to me, even with me telling them it makes me ill and precautions are made.)  As we sat there, my head out the window, cars whizzing by, embarrassment began to fill my mind.  All of a sudden, this precious hand just reached out and rested on my back.  The timing had to be God’s hand at work.  Immediately, the embarrassment left, and love entered.

What needs to leave for love to enter?

I have pondered that question much these past few days as I have been in recovery mode.

In this Christmas season of love entering the world, what do I need to let go of and leave behind for His love to saturate my heart?  One my embarrassment over being sick and needy.  That statement about “proceeding cautiously, holding my breath” needs to be turned into “bravely proceeding and laughing as I go.”  Will that change be easy?  Nope!!!!!  But some things to be left behind, so that love can enter!