Even I’m afraid…

So…we are packed except for our computers and technology devices.  I have my room clean as you are responsible for your own room here!  There is nothing left to do but wait another hour two hours before heading out to hear the results of all these medical tests.

I know all the Christian answers!  I am constantly telling my mind truths from the Scriptures.  I don’t need people to email me Scripture verses.  I don’t need people to tell me God is in control.  I don’t need godly advice!  Well, maybe I do need those things, but that is not what I want!!  I want two hours to roll by and let’s face the reality of life.  Not waiting very gracefully at the current moment.

I sit here with tears and the sickest feeling in the pit of my stomach.   No idea what to expect to hear.  No idea what emotions we will be experiencing as we board an airplane in a few hours and head home.  No way to communicate the uncertainty and the fear that exists in my heart!  No pictures for how my daughter looks at the clock and says, “2 hours to wait,” and falls back onto the bed and covers her head up.  Anxious thoughts abound in both my heart and Chloe’s heart.  Sadness is overwhelming in my heart.  Listen to what my daughter says about her trip…

“In many words, I spent 6 hours in a doctor’s office to be told nothing useful to me.  Here they are too smart.  I don’t understand.  Other than I might have something else wrong with me.  It would be an auto immune disorder.  My diagnosis I have is correct.  I had 8 viles or more of blood drawn.  I had a cardiac MRI.  I had an IV.  I have been told to raise this leg and that arm while I push or pull on it and it makes my muscles cramp more times than I care to count.  It’s absolutely freezing here.  I haven’t really liked the food.  I’m ready to be home.  The doctor will either tell me I have something else we missed or he will tell me I have no clue what’s wrong.  The few positives I have experienced are trampled by negatives.  I just want to be home.”

But even in the midst of all this, our faith remains!  Even when we are afraid, we trust! Despite the anxious thoughts, the sadness, the overwhelmed feeling…we continue to trust in the One who holds our future.   Love how this picture puts Psalm 56:3 into a different perspective.


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.