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Reminder to Myself

I look at this picture frequently; it is a reminder to myself that God does indeed see me.  He does see what is going on around me, and He cares.  It’s my job to trust Him to work in ways I cannot imagine.  However, I love to take things into my own hands and figure them out.   Don’t you do that too?

Soon after taking charge, I forget who I am and whose I am!

This last week was one of those weeks where I forgot who I was and I forgot that God sees me!  I need a good reminder of this very truth.

What Made Me Feel Unseen

Family stuff sucked the life out of me.  I don’t even want to count how many text messages I shared with my family.  I don’t want to remember a few difficult phone conversations where I danced around words very carefully, asking God to bring healing through my words but yet let my words bring truth at the same time.  Desperate but hopeless is how I felt most of the week because of these family issues.

The reality of loss just showed its ugly head last week over and over and over again.

What should have been a fun night watching Conner participate in his first ever college performance turned out to be a stressful mess.   A daughter who struggles with anxiety and overwhelmed with a crowd, a husband in a wheelchair, and an easily frustrated eight-year-old, all trying to make our way through a large crowd and enjoy Conner’s show was just a stressful mess.  It made me want to leave them all at home and enjoy the show by myself.

Krisann had an occupational therapy evaluation last week.  I haven’t shared much about her struggles on my blog other than those that relate to anxiety, but there are some educational concerns as well.  So one set of testing led to another set of testing last week.  And want to know what I added to my already full schedule?  Weekly visits to see an occupational therapist.  Not only are we already busy and I wonder where the time is going to come from, but I was also so frustrated with myself that I didn’t notice and act on some of these issues earlier.

So those things left me feeling like God, do you really see me?  Not only did I wonder if God saw me, but I also struggled with how I felt about myself.

Feeling Icky About Myself

Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said.

Maybe I should have held my tongue more.

Why can’t I just roll with the flow through a stressful mess?

I should be better at managing my calendar.

I should be a better Christian; I didn’t even spend much time in His Word this week, no wonder it’s a bad week!

And the list goes on and on.

I needed a few reminders that God sees me!

The notecard above, I needed to be plastered all over my house and as the wallpaper on my cell phone!  I needed a few other reminders as well.

  • A reminder that my job is to trust Him to work in ways I cannot even imagine
  • A reminder that I need to see me as He sees me
  • A reminder that I am NOT in control He is
  • A reminder that He sees a bigger picture than me
  • A reminder that I am His

I love music, and often it speaks to my heart.  The second verse of this song,  Remind Me Who I Am by Brandon Heath spoke of my heart last week.  “When my heart is like a stone, And I’m running far from home, Remind me who I am.  When I can’t receive Your love, Afraid I’ll never be enough, Remind me who I am.  If I’m Your beloved, Can You help me believe it.”

Can You Help Me Believe It?  I love that phrase.  Often, I have to recall truth even when it doesn’t feel like truth, and I pray, “God, can you help me believe this truth in my own life!”  And to be honest, that’s where I am right now.  My heart is so heavy, and my schedule is so full.  The uncertainty of whether January brings the news of chemo yet again or do we get a break this year brings apprehension. The holidays this year bring a big empty feeling in my heart and uncertainty to our traditions.  But I must remember His Word is still truth even when it doesn’t feel like it.

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Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.