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Didn’t Want to go to Church

Today is Sunday.  I didn’t want to go to church today.  It has been a month since I was there.  I would have thought I would be so ready to attend.  I used to love going to church.  I had tons of friends.  I felt connected.  I often was serving somewhere on Sunday morning!  Zine and I loved our time teaching the young marrieds!

Life changed!

Life changed.  With Zine’s MS progressing, we can’t be committed to teach.  We miss weeks at a time these days.  We have no class with which we are affiliated with anymore.  Due to not being able to serve, then my relationships have gone to the wayside.  I have decided, if you want connections in a church, it’s not going to Sunday School that makes them.  It’s not attending worship.  Connections are made when we serve together!

When we aren’t serving, we aren’t connected.

So therefore since my service has decreased so have my connections.  Although I know and love everyone I go to church with, my connections are different now.  And this morning I told Zine, I don’t want to go to church.  I don’t have close friends anymore.  I feel like people’s mission project much of the time.   And I’ve been out for about a month and I’m not feeling a strong desire to attend!  But I didn’t have a reason to stay at home although I looked for a good one.  Heck, I’d have even taken a bad reason but none were found!  So…I went.

Checking the box. Doing religion.

Sometimes I try to bargain with God.  This quid pro quo relationship.  I’m being good and going to church so bless me Jesus!  But this morning, I didn’t even have that.  I was going simply for the sake of going.  Wasn’t even looking to be blessed.  Just checking the box.  Doing religion.

Music often changes my heart.

However, this morning, not even the music was changing my heart.  It was almost preaching and my heart had not been stirred at all.  And then…the last song

if I believe Your name can save
then I would trust in what you promise
if you can overcome the grave
then you will overcome me
Jesus overcome me
Loosen my chains

Another part of the song says…

Lord of all
Bring courage
Just enough to fall
At your feet
Church isn’t about religion.  Church isn’t about teaching Sunday School.  Church isn’t about friends.  Church is about courage to fall at Jesus feet in surrender.  At that point, Jesus will overcome me.  He will soften my heart and loosen my chains. Now…if I can walk in that surrender every Sunday. Everyday!

Somehow.  Someway.

And then God used these two words to speak hope.  The importance of prayer was the sermon title.     James 5:13-18 was the passage used.  “A prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well.” v15

And here’s another part of that same song I mentioned earlier…

If I could just touch You
I know I would be healed
So give me faith

I get all frustrated when we talk about healing!  It hasn’t worked out too well in the Smith Family.  I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God can heal.  I often pray if the lack of healing is a lack of faith that our faith would increase quickly!  But who better than to preach on this passage than our youth pastor.   He and his wife have walked thru immense grief and suffering.  And he had two words this morning that ministered hope in my heart.  Other than lack of faith, the other reason God does not heal is that He does not will to.  And somehow someway the Lord will use that grief and suffering for your good.  Somehow.  Someway.

The fact is on this side of heaven I will never understand why God chooses to heal some and not others.  I can still walk in great faith knowing that if God is big enough and powerful enough to heal Zine Smith if He chooses to!  I will continue to boldly pray for that healing.  But in the meantime…somehow someway.  God will use it for our good!  Even when the truths I know in my head are not penetrating my heart, I find hope in these two words.  Somehow.  Someway.

Y’all I really am human!  It has been a rough season and I shall make no pretty pictures that aren’t real.  Somehow.  Someway.  God will use even this rough season for my good.  And it might just be that this rough season was so that I could have the courage to fall in surrender.  It may be that I needed to learn church isn’t a social event.  It’s not a religious event to be checked off the to do list. Doing church is about my heart and my willingness to let God change who I am down to the very core of my being.   I pray that next Sunday I don’t grumble and complain because I don’t feel connected.  I pray that I can accept that aloneness is something I will continue to experience just because of  my life’s circumstances. I pray that it won’t be a negative thought consuming me, but rather a thought that leads me to remember even in the rough seasons…Somehow. Someway.


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

This Post Has One Comment

  1. John Opsteegh

    Karen, you and Zine have sent the words of healing to so many of us through your words and your Spirit filled life. I know you don’t know me, but I have worked many KAIROS weekends with Zine. Your thoughts and feelings bless me every time I read them. You, Zine, and the family are in my daily prayers.

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