I didn’t ask for this assignment God!

Some days you never want to forget. Other days, you lose track of the times you have wished God would take them back.

The Diagnosis

I ran straight home after receiving my husband’s life-changing diagnosis and fell on my face before God. I still, to this day, remember the prayer I prayed. “Why God would you give this to me? You know how I worry. I will worry myself to death over this, Lord.”

We had just lost a childhood friend from Multiple Sclerosis months before. I already knew how horrible this disease could be and how complex this could be for the family caring for them.

The Questions Begin

My heart began to fill with many questions, and I put forth no effort to stop them from spilling over. Why this? Why now? Why my husband?

I proceeded to tell God about all the people I felt would have been better for this upcoming caregiver assignment than me. People like my pastor, Bible study teachers, and I even threw in Beth Moore. Anyone but me. Caregiving to my husband was a job much too big for someone like me.

It felt like hours before I got up from my floor that day. I wondered what I could find in God’s word that would comfort me. Multiple Sclerosis isn’t explicitly mentioned in the Bible, so what could I possibly find within its pages that would give me strength this time.

Could God speak to me about this diagnosis through His word?

I felt God stirring my heart as I read I Samuel 16: 10-12. God sent Samuel to the house of Jesse to choose the person to be King of Israel.

The passage reads, “Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel said to him, “The Lord has not chosen these.” So he asked Jesse, “Are these all the sons you have?”
“There is still the youngest,” Jesse answered. “He is tending the sheep.”

Samuel said, “Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.”
So he sent for him and had him brought. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features.

Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.”

Oh yes, He did speak!

God convicted my heart, showing me that Jesse had done what I had done the day I laid on the floor in prayer about my husband’s diagnosis. I paraded those I felt were more equipped for this job than me before his throne.

Jesse had brought all his sons before Samuel that he felt were a perfect fit for the job of a king. But as it would turn out, it wasn’t the sons that Jesse chose for the assignment. It would be the unlikely shepherd boy named David.

God saw things in David that perhaps others couldn’t see. David didn’t see them either at first. He spent several years running from Saul and at times doubted he would ever see God’s plans come to pass or bring anything but heartache to his life.

God would prove himself faithful to David, and He would prove himself no less faithful to me.

Mountains and Valleys

Along this 14-year journey, we have faced been many ups and downs. Many mountain-top highs where we laughed and rejoiced. We have also traveled down many valleys, twists, and turns that have at times left my heart feeling all hope for a happy life was gone.

This past year our relapsing-remitting MS journey turned into more of a progressive decline. I won’t sugarcoat it. There have been times I have soared, and other times I have flat out failed.

I am not proud of my less-than-perfect moments, but one of the things I have learned is that my Heavenly Father loves me no less on the bad days than on my finer ones. His grace is not just for others to partake of but also for me.

God’s Response to our Pain

When we do the very best we can, God will never scold or criticize us. Instead, he holds us closer on the bad days, dries our tears, and gives us the strength to try again and keep going—a much-needed lesson for us all.

My husband and I have tackled various medications with barely noticeable side effects along this journey, and we have also learned to survive some adverse ones as well—all adding up to learning to take one day at a time. Never knowing what a day will bring forth brings out a special kind of faith sometimes, you never realized you had.

I conquer every single day by the grace of an Almighty God. Recently, I named the new lift we needed to get my husband up and down Goliath.

The Most Difficult Giant

I will be honest and tell you that the lift, medicine mishaps, and scary parts of the diagnosis are not the hardest for me to conquer. It is the giant called Me that gives me the most trouble.

It is conquering the days I want to compare my lot with hers, the days I wake up and must war to conquer my unwillingness, and the days I must keep my moods in check. Those are the hardest.

Taking up your cross and following Jesus will look different for everyone on the surface, but it is the same for everyone when you dig down deep. Tackling this giant called “self” takes work.

I have learned to keep the simple prayer, “Help me, Jesus,” on repeat and rely on a whole lot of Holy Spirit grit. He has never failed to be up to the task.

It is all going to boil down to either we trust God with our lives, or we don’t. An easy road in this life is not guaranteed. We all can waste lots of time asking Him “Why God” questions, but it doesn’t change anything.

God gave me another verse that I have clung to like a life raft along this journey. God made me the same promise he made to Haggai when God’s people had been taken captive, and it looked like all hope for the future was lost.

Haggai 2:9 (NIV) reads, “The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the LORD Almighty. ‘And in this place, I will grant peace,’ declares the LORD Almighty.”

When God first led me to that verse, I thought He was referring to my husband. After years of serving God, he had walked away from a relationship with Him. I thought this difficult trial would help him turn back to God which did happen.

However, I was the house God had been working on during this journey. Now I know He was referring to me when He spoke that verse into my heart. He is using this difficult assignment we never asked for or even wanted to make me stronger, more compassionate, and more like Jesus.

God doesn’t call us to hardships to spotlight our weakness but shine a light on His strength.

A lesson I am learning, along with the reason that he calls those things that are not as though they are. He knows his plans for us before he ever allows us to go through anything that his sole purpose will accomplish to do us good and bring Him glory.

Today I can still ask God the same question I asked him years ago at the beginning of this medical journey. I think I will always have “Why God?” questions find their way onto the tip of my tongue from time to time.

The thing is, today, I know the answer when I ask, “Why God did you give this to me?” He is answering my prayers. He is using this unexpected journey to make me stronger and more like Jesus.

Susan Davidson is a wife, mother, and Gran Gran.  She resides in a small town surrounded by mountains in southwest Virginia.  She enjoys reading on her deck, taking prayer walks, and spending time with her family and West Highland Terrier, Mindy. Her passion is sharing God’s word with others which she refers to as her “handfuls of purpose”.

Connect with Susan with the links below.

www.ruth216girl.com

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