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Please Not Again

Please, not again seems to be where I am in several places in my life right now.  I often find myself saying we are back here again God?  The truth of the situations weighs heavy on my heart.  Yes, again Karen.  I am in desperate need of transformation in my thought process.

Please, Not Again

Not open-ended grief again.

I’ve written before about open-ended grief.  I think it ranks right up at the top of one of my “worst friends” ever.  Anger resurfaces between Zine and I.  Conversations that we once could have; we can’t have again.  Oh, how sweet it was to be able to talk about Zine’s MS and there not be anger.  Please, not again.  I don’t want to go through an angry season again.  I don’t want to feel the yucky feelings of aloneness.  Yet, the reality of open-ended grief invades my life again.  Please, not again I beg.  Yes, again Karen.

Not anxiety again.

Anxiety wreaks havoc at my house often.  As I sit with one of my girls, we discuss choosing to desire to be someone you’re not for the umpteenth time.  Please, not again.  Not another meltdown over the same issue.  We’ve already had this conversation on more than one occasion.   Yes, again Karen.  You have this conversation again. And again and again.

Not facing the sting of pain again.

One way I choose to deal with pain is by avoiding it.  That makes life much easier, right?  (If you need to know…the answer is NOT!)  Faced with pain right before me, I say please, not again God.  Please don’t let me be in a situation where I have to feel the sting of pain. Yes, feel the sting of pain once again, Karen.

Not another aging parent.

As I begin to see dementia issues arise in my dad, I find myself pleading, please not again.  I’ve done this once with my mom; I’m not doing this with my dad!  I don’t want another eight years of watching a parent waste away slowly.  Yes, begin praying once again that you can love your aging parent well, Karen.

Not forgiveness again.

I’ve already extended forgiveness.  Why is the need to forgive again before me?  I’m tired of forgiving.  I want to be done with this forgiving process.  Yes, Karen, forgive again.  And again and again.

Not a crazy heart again.

I’ve fixed that once already.  I don’t want to struggle with heart issues.  I don’t want stress to affect my heart.  Yes, again Karen.

Not another birthday.

I don’t want to have another birthday.  There’s only one way you don’t have a birthday, and it’s the one you miss, but I don’t want to get older.  I don’t want my children to gain another year on the calendar.  Yes, again Karen.  (In my list of heavy things, I had to put a lighter point in the list!)

When I focus on the circumstances of life, my thinking process becomes a trainwreck.  No longer is my faith bigger than my fears.  I need a

Transformation in my Thinking Process!

Yes, again,

the God of all comfort comforts me as I struggle through open-ended grief.  Seasons of grief come so that I can be comforted and once comforted; then I’m able to comfort others.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4– “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.”

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me exactly how you do use my hurt and pain so that I can love others deeper.  I believed even in that realization a couple of weeks ago; hope was ushered into my heart.

Yes, again,

have the same conversations over and over again.  The truth of God’s love is hard to comprehend.  Understanding who God created you to be is not an easy task.   Receiving His love is hard.  So press in again and again until His truth and love saturate hearts.  Let His love quiet souls.

Zephaniah 3:17 — “For the Lord, your God is living among you.  He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Yes, again,

feel the sting of pain again. [bctt tweet=”The beauty of feeling pain is in the blessing of finding refuge under His wing.” username=”kksmith8694″]

Psalm 91:4– “He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

As I was caught in a thunderstorm and rain pelted me from all sides the other day, I was reminded of this exact verse.

His wing protects us from the sting of pain.   His promises are life-changing.

Yes, again,

love well, even when loving is complicated and it hurts. Your dad is worth loving well.  Whatever circumstances arise in caring for your dad, you have a steadfast anchor for your soul.

Hebrews 6:19-20– “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf,”

If there was anything, I could say about God it is that He is steadfast. I have the confidence to enter the throne room of heaven because of Jesus Christ, who abides there and intercedes for me every time I need Him.  So whatever difficult experience is encountered, there is a steadfast anchor for my soul.

Yes, again,

Forgive.  Forgive again and again and again.

Matthew 18:20-21– “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

A new realization has come to me regarding this verse.  I’ve always thought it doesn’t matter how many times someone hurts you; you forgive over and over again.  I have come to believe pain is like an onion.  It has layers upon layers.  As a new layer is exposed, forgiveness happens all over again.

Forgiveness is about your own heart; it’s not about the other person.

Yes, again

instead of being anxious every time the v-tach makes your heart jump out of your chest, do an emotional heart check.  Is there something that needs to be surrendered to God?

1 Peter 5:7– “Cast ALL your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Yes again,

turn a year older.  Watch your children become a year older.  The oldest will be double decades in a couple of months.

Yes again, with each passing day, in each passing year, His mercies are new every morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23– The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Each day of my life, of my children’s lives, of my marriage there are mercies anew.  I need not fret over another year or double decades.  I just need to focus on His faithfulness every day.

Transformation in my thinking process is occurring.  When I focus my mind on “please not again,” anxiety overwhelms me.  I’m slowly learning to look at each “please not again” circumstance and see it from a different perspective.

I want the God of all comfort to comfort me and to relish in the quietness as He sings over me.  I want to be connected to that steadfast anchor that intercedes for me!  Forgiveness is what I long for.  Yes, I want to experience His care for me.  I want to focus on these thoughts instead of “please not again” thoughts.  The past two weeks have been a battle of transformational thinking.  I’d love to say I’ve had success in all areas.  However, that’s probably not completely accurate. It’s been slow progress in the transformation of my thoughts.

Maybe you too need some transformation in your thinking.  Are there “please not again” areas in your life?  Do you need to continue to offer forgiveness over and over and over?  Are there difficult conversations you need to have?  Are there situations you need to walk through with much love and much grace?

I’d love to hear what tender places in your life do you need to transform your thinking!











Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Alynda Long

    Praying alongside you, my friend! Your transparency and willingness to allow others a peek inside your life are inspiring and encouraging.

    1. kksmith8694

      Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes I wonder if my transparency is worth it, but then other times, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my transparency is worth it!

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