Permanent Changes

Several have said we haven’t seen an update in awhile.  It is simply because I haven’t had the time to put thoughts together.  Oh, I’ve started a couple of blogs, but never am able to finish them.

Zine has not felt well the past few days.  Actually he says I have felt bad before, I just don’t feel 100% right now!  Stupid UTIs are causing much grief lately.   They seem to be a permanent nuisance.  Evidently, maintenance antibiotic is not working.  We are in the process of getting reestablished with doctors under our new insurance.  So it is like we have to reestablish with each doctor that we see.  And not only do we have to reestablish, our poor primary care doctor has to send referrals to each doctor as if we were new patients.  So…I’m thankful for our sweet little doctor.  And I mean little in a literal way.  This guy makes Conner look tall!  But his compassion is more than one could ever ask for.  I’m thinking our sweet little primary dr might wish that we weren’t permanent patients for him! I am still working on insurance for my kiddos.  We need a quick answer on a permanent decision for their health care.

We have been reestablished with home health for the third time now.  And we will be reestablished a fourth time with new orders from our primary doctor and then I think we will be a permanent patient for them as well.

I now have a new bed!  And Krisann has her bed back in her room.  So the past two nights, she has stayed in her bed all night.  That is a complete rarity!  I can’t remember the last time she stayed all night in her bed.  So…maybe sharing her bed with me for so many weeks, she may have decided having a bed to yourself is quite nice!  Zine and I have struggled with the bed change.  When it was Krisann’s bed in our room, it was temporary.  However, now it is permanent.  I couldn’t just get rid of my bed.  So there is a king size bed sitting in my garage taking up the place where the car usually is.  I have discovered the bed cannot stay there!  It indeed has to go.  It is a parking nightmare!  Three cars, end of cul de sac, and garage occupied by king size bed.  Well, one could only imagine the number of times we have have played ring around the rosie with our cars in the cul de sac.  But some things are hard to part with.  This is one of them.

Another thing that is permanent is disability.  We have now transitioned over to long term disability.  We have had a very, very stressful two days working on long term disability.  And this was our private disability insurance.  Now we begin working with social security disability.  For some reason, that office and those people are very intimidating to me.   I am having to face some insecurities to say the least!

Another permanent decision…do I return to my teaching job next year or not.  I had missed 8 weeks of school when it was decided that I would just take the remainder of the year off.  My contract is due tomorrow.  I am very, very conflicted.  I actually think I know the answer but man oh man, walking in faith is SOOOOO hard!!!

Some people would call those negative permanents.  I don’t call them negative, just part of our life now!

There are some permanent changes going on that are positive for sure!

God has been proving to us that He is provider!  We have had a permanent change in our understanding of Jehovah Jireh!  We have the neatest stories (notice the plural form) in how God has provided for us over the past few months.  There is a story specifically as it relates to our air conditioner.  It was one of those stories that I just sat with my mouth wide open going God…did you really just do this?   And yes He did!  Jehovah Jireh.

God has also let me intimately know Him as Jehovah Raah!  The Lord our Shepherd.  Our understanding of our shepherd has deepened with each passing circumstance.  There is no way that we could have done the past few months without a shepherd!  Every time I drive past the Holiday Inn Express where I stayed one night in utter despair, I am reminded of the fact that I encountered my Shepherd!  My Shepherd loves well.  My Shepherd can even drive a car when my eyes can’t see the two lines on the road because of tears!  My Shepherd knew just how to take care of me!  Sometimes I think…why did I go to a hotel that is in my vicinity.  Why do I have to be reminded of that horrible night that I drug myself into a lobby and asked for a room?  Why do I have to remember how utterly despaired I was.  And then I remember it doesn’t have to remind me of my utter despair.  It can stand as a reminder that my God is a tender loving Shepherd who in my darkest moment knew exactly how to care for me.  Jehovah Raah.

El Roi.  The God who sees.  We have often felt overlooked!  We have most definitely felt unseen over the last few months.  But that’s because our focus gets stuck in our current earthly circumstance.  When we have our eyes focused on our God, we are able to know that God is a God who sees.  He sees where we are.  And our faith has grown deeper and wider as we have come to understand God is a God who sees.  Our faith will never be the same again.  Our faith has been changed forever.  If our God was not a God who sees, then He would not know when we needed to be scooped up in His arms, hugged tightly, rocked, and calmly sang over.  There have been numerous times, when we have experienced just that.  We have felt God scoop us up in His arms, hug us tightly, and sing over us.  Our God sees.  El Roi.

From doctors to beds to disability to decisions 
our lives have been changing constantly.
From Jehovah Jireh to Jehovah Raah to El Roi 
our God has permanently etched Himself 

in our hearts and lives forever.

How have you experienced God lately?  How has God etched Himself in your heart and life?


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.