No chocolate for me! I’ve heard of many people who on a difficult day eat chocolate. I have a confession, that person is not me! Not even difficult days is chocolate something I crave. And today has been a difficult day.
No-Go Ablation
You know that ablation that was scheduled for today? Well, it didn’t happen. Today my heart chose to beat at nicely as it could, all day. Never mind that I endured IVs, pre-op prep, even a trip to the ablation room for some medicine to try to make my heart beat wrongly, but, the heart continued in a perfect rhythm.
Yes, I knew this was a possibility. The doctor told me today this happened about 1/3 of the time. But doggone it, for me and for the doctor it was exceptionally frustrating. I even had a strong urge that this would happen beforehand.
Therefore, if I craved chocolate, today would be a chocolate eating day!
Instead, today has been a battlefield of my mind.
Everything is ready for me and there’s no reason for all that work led to guilty feeling. Also, I felt embarrassed. I apologized over and over to the medical team. It felt like my responsibility.
Reality is I can’t make my heart beat out of rhythm or in rhythm. It chooses to do that on its own. Another reality is there was nothing I could do differently. I didn’t invent the heart problems in my head, they really do exist, we have already proven that true. Reality is the medical staff kept apologizing to me.
Truth is it should have been a chocolate eating afternoon.
However, I’ve engaged in battle in my mind. I have been on a mission to take my thoughts captive today. Every time one of those self-condemning thoughts would come into my mind, I would replace it with the truth.
It has taken more than one retraining of my thoughts today, it has been quite a lengthy battle today. However, I have not given up! Even as I head to bed, the battle is still going on.
God and I had a long talk about trusting Him this weekend, so today has been good practice for me to trust God.
Karen I know exactly the what you are feeling. Monday of last week I went in to check and see if the blood clot in my heart had dissolved with the different b/t medicine, so they could do an ablation . Well, just like you my heart was in perfect rhythm and everything was perfect on the blood clot. It is hard to have your head set on one thing, when God has chosen to bless you with something else. All you can do , is say thank you to Him for his mercy. Take care sweet girl and enjoy Gods blessing that was just for you.
God and I had talked a lot about trusting Him and His plan. So it was an opportunity to practice what He and I had been talking about all weekend.
I’m so sorry Karen! What is it about us that makes us want to constantly apologize? Let me try again…
I sympathize with your struggle and frustration and pray you have been able to move from that place of self defeat to that beautiful place above that looks down on the situation and sees it from a different angle. Praying for a different kind of heart ablation , That God would gently and tenderly cauterize everything that comes against His peace and joy , attempts at control when life is so out of control , and that you would experience a steady supernatural rhythm in the middle of the pounding beat of your day to day …. thanks for sharing your journey!
Saying I’m sorry has become synonymous with I sympathize. Although they are totally different, I understand when people use them as synonyms. I am at perfect peace now! Thanks for praying!