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Is this really happening?

Is this really happening?  Are we really back in the hospital?  Does Zine Smith have his second adventure with pulmonary emboli?  Yes, Yes, and Yes.

I shared that Zine had not been feeling well.  For an entire week I have been exceptionally concerned about him.  On Thursday I called doctor and we started treating him for a UTI.  On Friday I asked home health nurse to come check him out and she discovered his heart rate was high.  She allowed us to push fluids for two hours and then reassess.  72 ounces and 2 hours later…still issues.  So everyone was in agreement a trip to the ER was necessary for evaluation.  We were hoping it was an electrolyte issue.  We soon discovered that his chest xray revealed concerns, his D Dimer blood levels were not good, and the CT scan showed multiple bilateral pulmonary emboli.  He has multiple blood clots in both lungs with left lung more affected than the right.

This is not our first experience with blood clots in lungs.  You can read about our first experience here!  This time the words are not new words.  The experiences are understood.  In some ways, that is relief.  We know what we are dealing with.  However, REALLY???

I had a friend this morning when I was trying to text to her how I was feeling she put the words so eloquently out there for me.  She said, I’d be tempted to scream Hey world!  Shut up and slow down a min!  I can’t breathe right now.  For real!!

Y’all, I literally got sick last night.  I have not thrown up from nerves in a very, very long time.  But last night it happened.  My body was literally shaking!  Trauma revisited.  No one gets it really.  But I get to put my make up on and get back in the game.  Well, I didn’t put my make up on!  But life did demand me to keep going!

Zine nor I slept hardly at all last night.  But today Krisann had a gym fest that she was crying for me to take her to.  So in the middle of a hubby with blood clots in his lungs, a night of absolute no sleep, I take my awful looking self to Gymfest!  I told someone I was going to wear a Christian shirt to make up for the fact that I looked like someone with a hang over!  Really…I did!









Thought you might enjoy some pictures from my miserable GymFest.  The entire time I was there I was like please please don’t let the doctor come while I’m gone.  I’m constantly texting for updates from Chloe who stayed here with Zine so I could go!  But sometimes you just do what you gotta do.  I need two of me sometimes.  Today I needed three of me!!



Groups of kids basically did a gymnastics meet as a group.  It was a display for parents and grandparents of all they have learned this year.  And Krisann…well her anxiety has got the best of her on some events like bars!  But she can do the most perfect splits and cartwheels that you can ever imagine!











Doctor Report

I did make it back in time to meet the doctor.  He said words that we were not surprised to hear.  We will be hear for a couple more days.  He did tell us that the clots were not nearly as severe as they were last time because Zine does not have saddle clots!  So that’s a good thing.  But that doesn’t change the treatment.  The treatment is the same no matter what. Blood thinners and time for lungs to heal.  They have done ultrasounds and they do not see any clots in his legs.  So for that we are grateful as well.  Really?  We have to do this again?  Really??

Emotional Uproar

Aside from the physical stuff, it has brought with it quite an emotional uproar!  Reliving trauma is a terrible thing!  I knew I would not sleep a wink last night because I would need to make sure Zine Smith was breathing all night long!  It turns your emotions upside down.  It is exhausting.  It is lonely.  Not only did it turn my emotions upside down, it did my girls too!  I have dealt with some pretty difficult emotional conversations with both my girls!  The enemy is at work and at one point tonight I simply had to say those words are straight from the enemy and I will not allow them to be said anymore.  There is enough stuff to deal with, without the enemy wreaking havoc.  So I’ve been standing firm in that place today.  The enemy has no place here to stir up emotional stuff that isn’t necessary.

Port Problems

Just to add a bit of humor to our lives, Zine’s port has clotted off.  So the nurses decided that they would put a clot buster in his port to see if that works.  If not, then they will have to de-access and then try to re-access.  Now this  is a new experience!  Never had port problems and we weren’t sure how we felt about clot buster drug being used with the port!!! I’m not even going to tell this whole story.  But it made us bug our eyes, say some very strong words, and take deep breaths.  As I type this, the clot busting drug is waiting in his port and we hope that after it sits for 45 minutes that the port will work.

Really??  Really??  Really??  That seems to be the major thing either one of us can say today.  Really??  Disbelief!  Shock!

Really Sad

Those eyelids are about 5 times their normal size.  They are exhausted and have cried many tears today.  We are super sad.  Aside from saying really?  We are sad.  Sad that Zine has to struggle with his health again, sad that our family has to endure such a difficult life situation again, sad that Krisann had many things planned for Mother’s Day and it’s just not working out how she would like, sad that Chloe has struggled so much emotionally today, sad that Conner and Chloe get to adult again, sad that we have to walk such lonely roads.  Sad. Really sad.

However, in the face of adversity, we buckle down, join together, and get it done.  Thankful that our entire family has a fighting spirit.  Thankful that we have many that fight for us on your knees.  We are extremely grateful.  Zine said last night I know a lot of people must have been praying for me.  Thank you so much for joining our journey and fighting on your knees for us!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. Beth

    Prayers for Zine, you and and the kids. Prayers for you, your parents and brothers. Prayers for Chloe and for Krisann. As for gymnast, you rock for being able to go. Chloe rocks for staying with Zine. And it looks like Krisann was rocking it out at parent day. It doesn’t matter what you look like when you go to your kids things, it only matters that you are there.

  2. Kathy Draper

    Prayers for all of you from your hometown.

  3. Crystal

    Thanks for the updates! Juggling is just so hard and you are juggling a lot of glass balls right now. Prayers for you for peace and rest. Prayers for Zine that he can get those clots dissolved! It can be very scary and all the feels when health is concerned. Praying a hemming in and protection from the enemy who would love to devour your joy. Hugs to you. Sharing all that helps you guys to certainly NOT be alone!!

  4. Mitch

    Please tell Zine I said hello and that my prayers are with him and the family.

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