I have found myself in a waiting season lately. Let me just be real honest, I don’t like waiting seasons! I am a doer! I like to be busy. I rarely sit down and relax. (When I do, I’m probably sick!) I want to solve problems. I want to bring joy into sadness. I like immediate answers to prayers…yes or no…no maybe later for me! I don’t want to preheat my oven! I don’t want to cook the potatoes in the microwave because they are not very good that way, but I don’t want to wait hours for them to cook in the oven either. I think when I boil this all down, I’m not a patient waiter! I don’t often wait gracefully! And often if I’m having to wait, I’m going to exhaust myself trying to fix the problem! And this isn’t a new thing! I wrote a speech for the speakers tournament when I was in high school about being patient! It wasn’t my forte years ago and it’s still not my gifting! One would think with as many seasons of waiting I have found myself in, I would have adjusted and would be able to do it beautifully right now! Unfortunately, I haven’t! I still don’t like waiting seasons!!!! I despise them to be exact! But yet God continues to say…wait patiently….be still Karen! And when He says those words to me, I feel like Krisann trying to keep herself awake! She flips and she flops, she puts her feet on the wall or in the air, she sits up, she lays upside down in the bed, she wants her back rubbed again, she needs a drink of water, she forgot something she needed to do, she needs to go to the bathroom, she tosses, she turns, she says I’m not sleepy, etc. If you’re a parent, I’m pretty sure that picture just resonated with you. I find myself saying those same words God says to me….be still Krisann. And I know if she would be still for 5 minutes, she would be asleep! But her anxious driven body, just can’t stop wiggling and thinking! That’s exactly how I feel when God says be still Karen. I flip, I flop, I say I don’t like waiting, I try to move ahead and find all possible solutions, I mess things up because I’m pitching a fit about having to be still. And God just simply whispers again, be still Karen! Finally my body exhausts itself and I say fine….you got what you wanted God! I’m stuck on this sofa and I can’t move…now what? I’m waiting. And God says, be still Karen. God doesn’t just want my physical actions, He wants my heart to be willing to be still too! He wants me looking to Him for answers, not trying to fix things I can’t fix. And personally, I often get stuck in the exhausting myself trying to fix things most often!
In April, Zine and I swore up and down that we were done with chemo. We weren’t doing another treatment. We even told our children we weren’t doing anymore. We were done! In October, the pressure is on for that next chemo treatment in February. The doctor is pushing hard. Zine is second guessing our decision. And my anxiety increases. I need to know…are we doing this next chemo treatment or not? The doctor hears my concern. He heard my heart. He responded. In January we will do a MRI and see if there are any active lesions. That will give us insight. January??? Really?? Can we just do that now? And the dr. says January. God says…be still Karen. Do you know how many times my heart has feared another round of chemo? Do you know how many nights I have begged for Zine to have wisdom? Do you know how many conversations I’ve had with Zine about whether the chemo has helped any or not at all? And God says…be still Karen. Don’t look back at how hard that week of chemo was. Don’t look back at the hospital stays and emergencies that came after. Be still Karen. Know that I carried you through those chemo days and nights. I carried you through 3 children with head lice and a husband with no immune system. I was with you in rehab from a broken hip! And if January brings the answer of another round of chemo, I will be in that as well. Be still Karen. Ahhh, how refreshing it is when I can bask in the knowing God was with me and will be with me rather than being in the fretting stage and anxiety driven thoughts! Be still Karen.
Since August, Chloe has been really sick most all the time. I want this smiling girl back!
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Instead, I have a girl that looks like this most of the time!
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I have been sent to hospital with her 4 or 5 times since August. She has been admitted once. We have tried everything we know to do for headaches. Essential oils, caffeine, rest, heat, ice, different medicines, food diaries, headache diaries, and my girl continues to struggle. And I simply want a girl that feels better! I make decisions! I communicate with doctors. I read articles about headaches and possible treatments. I pray much. I feel helpless to do anything to make her better. This season definitely stinks! I don’t want to preheat the oven! I want it magically to turn on at 350! I don’t want to wait for doctors appointments or for medicines to work, I want relief right now. And God says…be still Karen. When I am completely helpless to help my child, I really have nothing other to do than lean into God, allow His grace to wash over, and wait on God to bring healing by whatever means He chooses! And in the meantime, I get to focus my time encouraging, loving, and comforting my girl! Not fixing the problem, not finding possible solutions, but loving, encouraging, and comforting!
I started treating my youngest child for anxiety. We gradually increased her anxiety meds. Unfortunately, as we slowly increased her medicine, her behavior became very very impulsive. I thought she was going through some incredibly difficult stage. I did not equate the behavior with the medicine. And as I was waiting for the stage to pass, I reached the end of my rope with her. I had no clue how to raise my 7 year old child. I’m sure people think sometimes, that girl needs some discipline. But really people, I have disciplined this child. In my desperation one day, this happened to her room.
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| And my study looked like this! |
I have discovered I can’t do a thing with an extremely impulsive child other than pray! She had a check up with psychiatrist, and I shared some of the things I had been dealing with and the psychiatrist immediately said, everything you just said to me equals extreme impulsiveness. I think the anxiety medicine has had the opposite effects. We need to wean her off of it and try another one. And as we have been weaning her off, the extreme impulsiveness has gotten much much better. But now, it is time to start a new medicine and I must remain in this waiting period. I just want my girl back that sleeps in her bed, that is fun loving and not cry all the time, that doesn’t stress out over every little thing, that isn’t afraid when questioned, that says those statements that just make you laugh out loud, and just has a sweet sweet spirit about her all the time! But in this season of waiting, I get to practice loving unconditionally (even when she is unloveable), giving grace and depending on grace, and watching what God is going to do in her life!
And y’all, this is not all the waiting seasons. My dad must have knee surgery and I have encountered some delays along the way that I am just having to trust God with. I think my mom has another UTI. Tried to get dr. to give home health orders last week to check and long story short those orders didn’t get signed and it was a holiday week! So tomorrow I have to work on that again. I am in a waiting season as I watch God work in a relationship that Zine and I have been providing some counseling to and trusting that He is going to bring unity and healing in that relationship. And there is another tender waiting place that I’m not sharing in writing but am definitely having to trust God in that place in this season!
So plain and simple, for someone who gets frustrated when she has to wait on her oven to preheat, this has proven to be challenging time of waiting! But the one word that keeps coming to my mind repeatedly in this season is hope! I have hope! These seasons will change, these places of waiting will come to an end and God will do a new thing in those places. These healings of anxiety, headaches, MS, etc. most definitely will happen at some point!! And how appropriate that as this is the first Sunday of advent, that is the word that has been stuck in my mind! I’m pretty certain that God has placed that word in my heart on purpose! I have hope! Even amidst the waiting, I have hope! The oven will get hot! My potatoes will get done! And God is at work! And in the waiting, I can have a renewed strength. I don’t have to be weary! I have hope!
