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I am blessed to have a friend that is a counselor.  And she has walked this road of MS with Zine and I for years!  When Zine’s MS first started showing up and we were going through the diagnosis days,  she walked closely with us.  At one point in those early days, I looked at Zine and said words I thought I would never say.  I looked at him and said we are done!  Pack your bags and leave OR go to counseling.  He hated me and I hated him.  And that was an understatement. .For about a year Zine and I spent many hours in the counselor’s office!  And we did many hard and difficult things!  But we also made huge progress in our marriage.  Today we like each other…sometimes!!   Well, most of the time.  But that just makes us normal right?!

Fast forward 5 years, and I find myself in her office again.  This time it’s a different scenario.  This time it is because I need to care for myself.  One night she and I were talking on the phone and she said Karen, I think you are struggling with the issue of is God a good God!  I didn’t respond at the time.  But I think I was almost offended.  I have been a Christian for years.  I know God is good!  That’s what I’ve always been taught.  But then when we hung up, and I begin to think about all she had said, I realized she was right!  

Why would God let Zine and I struggle in our marriage several years ago?  Why would God give us a child with MD and a husband with MS?  Why is this MS not responding to medication?  Why would God allow my mom have Alzheimer’s disease?  Why has God allowed MS to rob our fun loving spirits?  A good God would definitely not give those things to you.  God is good and He gives good gifts!  But now, these diseases have entered our world and it sure doesn’t seem like God is good!  And this definitely doesn’t feel like good gifts in our lives!  So I think my friend and counselor was very wise in her assessment of where I was spiritually.  

Fast forward again to a few weeks (months now that I am actually going to publish this post!) ago.  We have just spent a week in the hospital.  I literally had stood by Zine’s bed and said my goodbyes!  The nurse and I both thought his time here was short!  But in that hour and half of watching Zine struggle and then all of a sudden just begin to turn a corner was truly an amazing experience.  There are many, many things about that night that I don’t think I will ever share verbally!  I remember every detail vividly!  And I wouldn’t trade them for the world!  But as I pleaded with God that He not take Zine on Chloe’s birthday, and then I watched God work a miracle in our lives…that was a good gift!!  12 hours later the same nurse who held my hand and cared so tenderly for me, entered our room and said you are out of the woods tonight!  You don’t need me!  She was the charge nurse and she only took patients that are considered critical!  The following Sunday, Zine and I sat on our love seat together and a friend face timed the service to us.  During that Sunday, I heard this song for the first time!   I sat and cried!  

You see through all these years, I didn’t see God as good because I refused His good gifts.  But that entire hospital experience really opened my eyes to exactly what God has done for us and is doing for us.  And for the first time ever, I was on the receiving end of God’s good gifts with a willing heart!  And He used His people to accomplish His purpose in my life.  In my desperate state of life, God provided!  And for the first time EVER, I didn’t feel guilty!  I didn’t push His good gifts away, I was so very thankful!  Never once did I say I feel so bad someone is doing this for us.  I simply uttered many, many thank yous to Jesus!!  And I felt loved by Him and by others!  

So as I have struggled through many things this is one that God has finally given me a glimpse into!   God is good!  He is a good Father.  And He will continually to call me deeper deeper into His love!  Oh, how I hope I can go deeper in His love easier than I have been known for doing in the past!

FOOTNOTE:  The reason this post took me so long to post was not long after I wrote this, I woke up one morning and discovered my mouth wouldn’t open very well and it hurt.  Which led me down a quick road to surgery.  And guess what…I quickly fell back into that thought pattern of God is DEFINITELY NOT good!!

You’ll just have to stay tuned for Part 2 as to why I am finally able to publish this post!