There’s nothing to say about chemo other than it is simply something one endures. Zine endures. I endure. Our children endure. Zine endures the physical and emotional side effects of chemo. I endure the physical stress of caring for my family and myself. I endure the emotional stress as I support Zine and my children. Our children endure living in a home with a sick secluded dad and the emotional stress that comes alongside the life we have now. Endure. It’s not fun! But we endure. Why?
Love endures all things, even difficult circumstances. When we endure difficult circumstances it has the opportunity to bring disaster to my marriage and to our family or it has the opportunity to bring strength and greater love for one another.
I am so full of gratefulness that our enduring has brought about a strength and greater love. I used to say that there’s no other way but to simply endure. However, God has given me glimpses of other ways one could choose differently. Just the other day, I heard this young lady share her story that she was 13 years old, her dad died, and her mom literally walked out and left three kids in the house alone. That was a glimpse for me of what it looks like to let it bring disaster. Zine and I have been walking with a couple who have been struggling in their marriage. Through that circumstance I see how God has given greater love between Zine and I in the midst of difficult. There is another couple who has called a few times lately. We had walked with them and taught them in the years past and saw God stir their heart and when God stirred their heart they walked away from his stirring and from the church. There are most definitely choices that end in disaster. There is nothing but gratefulness in my heart for God allowing us to choose to endure and come out better and stronger. I originally had better and stronger on the other side written…but we’re not on the other side…we’re in the big middle of it. So I’m grateful that God has allowed us to choose to endure and in the middle of the difficult we have chosen to allow Him to make us stronger and we have allowed Him to grow in our hearts a great love for Him, for our family, and for others in difficult situations.
Enduring chemo’s side effects is exhausting and an emotional battle.
Physical chemo effects still exist. The tummy is better but not 100%. Zine has a rash on his torso and legs. There are times when he is so weak that literally he has hardly any voice. He literally stays in the bedroom almost 24 hours a day. If we could get this congestion gone from our house then he would feel better about coming out. But being shut up in your room with little interaction brings about depression. Couple being horribly fatigued and depressed together and one can imagine what that looks like. I will tell you it does often include tears!
I continue to be torn between loving my spouse well and my children well. My desire is to be with Zine but my children need me. Or at least my little one needs me. I’m lucky if I get 20 minutes with Zine before she “needs” me. What I really desire is for us to be together as a family and not worried about giving Zine some upper respiratory infection and to sit around the table and visit about normal things. I continue to fatigue so easily myself and I haven’t had chemo. Stress has caused physical pain at times in my body. Stress takes a toll on our bodies and our emotional status. I have found myself being very unsettled the past two days. Yesterday was very difficult. But want to know what I did in the middle of my weariness, sadness, loneliness? None other than sit down and work on my Bible study and spend some time with Jesus. I didn’t let Satan win over my mood! It is a daily battle of loneliness, weariness, and sadness, but I am learning to make different choices in the middle of weariness, sadness, and loneliness.
This picture pretty well sums up how I feel most every day. Especially when they start at 4 am like today did
Our children are all quiet. Chloe has just been physically sick for a week. I do believe some of it is stress induced. Conner has been gone almost non stop. Between work, school, and fun he is a busy boy. I also think that has become a way of coping. He is awesome to help me if I request it. Unfortunately, lately I have been the only one that has been able to help Zine. Zine has flat out been denying Conner’s help lately. Krisann was so certain her dad was going to be healed. Each time I talked to her she asked. As soon as we got settled at home she wanted me to pick her up and she asked me if dad was healed. I simply said no and her body went totally limp. I’ve not had the energy yet to touch base and see how her heart is. I just know she is very needy of me right now.
There’s a somberness in our home that no words can express. But in the middle of this, you can also feel a deep love and care for each other in our home. I see it in my kids relationships with each other. I see it in their relationship with Zine and I. And I see it in my marriage. I see it in us as parents. I have said the phrase a lot lately, when you love deeply you hurt deeply so the pain is just a sign of a deep love God has developed.
What difficult situation are you enduring? Is it bringing disaster or is bringing strength and greater love?
Becoming an empty nester? Is there is a diagnosis in your family that is wreaking havoc? The death of a loved one? Concern for a struggling child? I totally believe what we do with those difficult circumstances is a choice we choose to make. We choose to not walk away from God. We choose to not walk away from church. We choose to do our best to make wise choices as it comes to relationships, even if we don’t feel like it. The other day I felt like exploding on Zine but instead I sent a little text message that told him I was feeling very frustrated and his actions were beginning to make me feel like exploding even if he was getting chemo! Very quickly that difficult relationship thing was nipped in the bud immediately. We choose to not walk away in our relationships. In a sense, we have been more deliberate about pouring into the relationships around us. The couple we’ve been working with, walking away is the easy way out. One will just disappear for a while and that will make life better. Another couple didn’t walk away…they ran as fast as they could run from God. Ummmmm…no! Don’t run away because of fear. Don’t walk away from pain! Walk into the difficult with an understanding that God is going to use it for His glory even when it completely sucks at that exact moment.
Krisann and I made pictures at the same time. Mine was about love. Hers was about love too. A love of a different kind I’d say. That girl might need a trip to the beach soon!
In the middle of difficult, it is imperative to look for things to be thankful for.
I have learned that thankfulness has the power to totally change my mindset. Someone brought dinner last night and check out this fun bowl they brought it in. It made me smile! And it made me say thank you Jesus for using something as small as a bowl to bring a smile to my face. Little things make a difference! So….if you were the one that brought this bowl…I’m just going to go ahead and say you might not get it back! 🙂
Love never gives up, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance–even difficult ones! Choose to endure today and do not let it bring devastation. Let it bring strength and greater love for God and for those around you.
