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Chemo Day Two

It is 6:30 pm and I’m about get ready for bed.  I am beyond exhausted!  

To update you…we slept very little last night.  Zine was very restless all night.  But of course, even trying to move in the bed was near impossible for him.

Today we arrived at 7:35  am!  Yes we were 5 minutes late!  But that’s better than 30 min late!  When they unwrapped his IV, they discovered his vein had blown.  He has no good veins anymore.  So they decided they would access his port.  Thank goodness for that blessing!

Zine was extremely grumpy today.  By lunch I had just about had all I could take of him.  The nurses assured me it was all the IV steroids he got before the chemo.  I was in tears by this point.  I sat outside in the hallway a few minutes and really did some praying and asking for extra measures of grace.  About that same time, Zine went to sleep.  He slept hard for about two hours.  And thank goodness, he wasn’t as grumpy after that!  Guess God either changed my heart while he slept or he woke up in a better mood.  Either way I am extremely grateful.

Zine is not as weak today.  He is able to help today and is able to transfer pretty decently tonight.  That I am thankful for today.  Yesterday was absolutely horrid!  He couldn’t have been much sicker/weaker.  I’ve seen him sick a lot but that was the worst by far.  I’m very grateful for a stronger day for him, even if he was unbearable to be around for awhile.

Needless to say his grumpiness along with lack of sleep, messed up my emotional status which messed up my eating.  So my eating has been WAY off today!  Protein bar and some taco soup!

Krisann asks me every time she talks to me “is daddy well yet?”  “Has God taken Daddy’s MS away yet?”  This morning she asked me, and I just about couldn’t hold it together.  I totally believe that God is capable of healing Zine.  But I haven’t received the revelation that He is going to heal Zine.  Rather I have received the message that for now this is my life.  And my job is to learn through the process.  I never give up on God healing but I must live in the present and that is a life with MS.  I told Krisann last night I loved her faith.  So today I got to see her and Conner for a little bit.  She was excited when she saw me but then she seemed withdrawn after she got to see Zine.  Not sure what is going on in her mind.  Oh how I wish God would heal Zine for that little girl.

This whole concept of faith has led Zine and I into deep theological discussion about what faith truly is.  I even got one of his theological friends on the discussion via text messaging.  I’m not nearly as deep thinker as Zine is.  He’s out of my league!

I have had some quiet time which has been nice.  I’ve got to do a good bit of being in the Word and catching up on some Bible studies that I had gotten behind on. I would love to share some of what God’s been doing in my heart this week with you but that will have to wait for other blog posts.

We have eaten our soup and have laid on this bed watching Shawshank Redemption together.  Wiped out is what we are.  Not even up for much conversation tonight!

But guess what…tomorrow is the last day!  And this is what thinking about it being the last day makes us look like!

There is one thing Zine will never understand…and that is the fact that caring for him brings me much joy and much blessing!  Yes, I would rather be bowling or playing putt putt or climbing Monte Sano and getting lost on a marked trail (I know it’s impossible to be lost on marked trail but it sure felt like we were lost one day).  However, I would not want him to share these experiences, even the most difficult ones, with anyone else but me!  Sometimes I think I didn’t sign up for this life….and really it’s not the life I desired.  But…for now, it’s the life I have and I am blessed to share it with this guy!  Even on days he is grumpy!

Now…we can literally go to bed and turn the lights out.  So I’m about to get us all ready and in the bed!  Praying for rest tonight.  No chemo dreams.  Just a sweet sleep to fall over this room tonight.  Praying that Zine will be up for the trip home after chemo is done tomorrow.  Praying for our kids.  Chloe seems a bit sickly.  Krisann is definitely going to struggle that God did not heal daddy’s MS if a miracle doesn’t occur.  And Conner…that guy…I know his heart hurts, but he has nothing but admiration, love, and compassion for Zine and I most all the time.  Sunday I was blessed immensely as I saw him just take Chloe’s head onto his chest and rub her head and hug her tight as she cried tears.  God definitely has a special plan for this guy!  But tonight my heart is heavy for all three of them.  Don’t know that I have ever desired so bad to take Zine home without MS, even though I know that’s not what this drug is supposed to do.  Please pray that as Zine’s immune system is totally blasted that God would protect him from illnesses.

Good night friends!  Thanks for praying with and for us and following our journey.


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.