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Chemo Changes

As I said in my previous post, our lives are always changing.  And indeed they are!

Our local oncologist cannot get the drug that Zine needs in the dosage that is needed.  So…we are unable to get our chemo here in Huntsville!  We will have to travel and spend a week in Cullman.  Which means our chemo is now being pushed back while we get that all set up there.  We are MORE than bummed about this.  We both hate this so much that is has caused us to rethink whether we even want to do the stupid chemo!  Yep, stupid chemo…that’s what I called it!  I guess if it were to bring about a miraculous healing then I would say is wasn’t stupid after all!!  But for now…it’s stupid chemo!  It complicates our lives even further.  It is making something, that is going to be difficult anyway, much more difficult and complicated!  And neither of us are totally confident in this next step now…but feel we have no option!  So…we are about to do yet again, another REALLY REALLY hard thing.  And we are walking into it with very unsettled feelings!

We have been to Cullman this morning and met with nurse and signed our life away.  In other words, we said, “Yes I know this chemo can kill me.  Yes I know this chemo can do horrible things to my body.  Yes I know” and I sign here on this line anyway.  For some reason….that just doesn’t sound very smart to me!

This is a picture that Chloe made a year or so ago as she read through her Bible in a year.  Inside these letters don’t fear are Scripture references that mentioned do not fear.  We all know that the movie Facing Your Giants said the Bible said it 365 times…once for each day of the year.  Upon Chloe’s interpretation…she thinks you will find don’t fear or similar words way more than 365 times.  When we are educated on this chemo, fear arises.  Even last night as I sat in front of my computer and read all the information about this chemo again…it creates fear!  Horrid fear.  So I was reminded of her picture and the many scriptures that say do not be afraid for the Lord God is with you!

Our six year old has been able to communicate to me over and over again how she is afraid her daddy is going to die!  And what do I say…I am SOOOO sad that you get to grow up with that fear!    But what I remind her and myself, God will never leave us nor forsake us. 
Fear resides in each of our hearts!
Sadness overwhelms at times.
Stress is exceptionally high!
But in these moments, we are family!  We stick together or at least try to!!  🙂  We grieve with one another.  We have lots of talks with each other.  We pray with one another!  And sometime we fuss over stupid things with one another.  Five grieving people in one house at different places in our grief and we are supposed to all like each other and get along…really??  But the good news is 90% of the time we do!!   
Also in these moments, we wrestle in our faith but our faith is being refined and strengthened each day.  Our faith is also strong in these moments!  Never once has being angry at God to a point of turning our back and telling Him we want nothing to do with Him ever entered our minds!  He is our only hope!!  We have cried out to Him for release, for healing.  We have asked why the desires of our hearts are not answered.  We have had moments of just not wanting Him to love us!  We have told Him we don’t always see His plan but we are learning to trust Him.  We don’t always do things perfectly.  We make mistakes!  But we do our best and ask God to shower His grace on the rest!
Pray for us as we wait on a new date!  Turmoil is the key word around here.  And some days it is worse than others.  So pray that this date would come soon!  I am bold enough to pray that by some miracle we would continue on with our Monday date.  That’s a BIG request, but I’m not afraid to pray  for that!  However, we do want His timing in this.  But we want the turmoil it has caused our family to disappear.  And I’m not sure it will disappear until this is behind us.  So just pray!  

kksmith8694

Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.