I have a quiet heart in more than one way!

Quiet Heart #1

First, my heart is beating correctly.  It isn’t skipping beats, adding beats, nor jumping out of my chest.  It doesn’t feel like it needs a deep breath nor does it feel tied in knots.  My heart seems to be beating, and I am mostly unaware that it is doing its job.  This is an excellent thing.  It’s a quiet heart.

Struggles when I have surgery/medical procedures

I am thankful to have my heart ablation done.  When I have a procedure done, there are many details to work out.  My husband can’t drive me to the hospital or drive me home.  Pre-op areas are not suited for a guy in a wheelchair.  Zine has difficulty keeping up with my things while I am having a procedure done.  When they wheel me off, he can’t reach me to kiss me. As much as Zine would like, he can’t help me after my procedures if I’m sick, if I need a drink, or if I need to go to the bathroom.  Often, he needs help, so that means someone needs to be with him as well.

So for me to have a procedure done, it is a complicated situation.  And can I just be honest?  It TOTALLY stinks!  That’s an incredibly nice way to express how I feel about it.  I’m sure his sentiments are much like mine.  However, we learn to deal with these things the best we can.  I am learning to be grateful amidst my anger for those that God sends to fill these roles in my life, but it is not easy to learn this.

Before my ablation, the discussions and detail planning was lengthy.  From having to get up early, to getting Zine ready, to having a ride or driving myself, there was just not a plan that I was desiring.  Zine, Conner and his girlfriend, myself, and a dear friend all talked and texted together trying to work out the details.  In the end, I think we all compromised, and no one was 100% happy, but we made it work.  These things just should not be so complicated.  Makes my heart sad that these are some of our struggles because of MS.  MS robs so many things!

God Shows Up in the Struggles

But in the middle of the sadness, God provides for our needs.  God sends sweet friends to fill in the spaces that my husband can’t.  God also allowed this procedure to be when Conner was able to be with us.  His help was invaluable.  And I took not one picture of these blessings!

As God would so orchestrate it, Conner’s girlfriend’s family became sick with a stomach virus while she was with us, so we didn’t let her go home.  I’m really sad that her family was sick, but it was no doubt in God’s plan for her to be with us this week.  Chloe was down sick, so his sweet girlfriend was a blessing to our family. I saw her sweep, take care of the dogs, love my children, run errands and a host of other items.  Krisann proudly announced, “that she didn’t hate Sarah anymore she actually kinda liked her!”  Sarah has had a hard road to walk with my two girls, but God used this week in extraordinary ways in their relationships.

God indeed orchestrates blessings beyond our imagination in the midst of struggles.

Quiet Heart #2

This procedure had me pretty quiet for a couple of days.  The first day after, I was sick.  I didn’t even want to look at my phone, drink, eat, or hold my head up off the pillow.  The next day I began to feel better, but my family didn’t like the idea of me moving.  I think my husband was terrified that I would start bleeding again.  So they pretty well quarantined me to bed!  Even four days later, I looked at them and said I’m going back to bed because then you aren’t mad at me for doing things.

God Shows Up in the Struggles Again

Something happened during these few days of rest.  At first, I was not comfortable with rest and quiet. I had no clue what to do with myself.   With lots of time to think, I began to question and doubt my faith walk.  I slammed condemnation on myself for feeling like I was a failure in many areas.  However, in time, God began stirring my heart. It ended up being a sweet time to reflect, think, and dream.  It became a time that I struggled out my faith even more with Jesus.

And as God would have it again, one morning, my friend was sent to bed by her husband because she was sick.  So we shared a plethora of text messages together.  I needed her wisdom, her encouragement, and she needed my encouragement and prayers.  I don’t know that we have shared such intimate texts before with each other because we both stay so busy.  However, God just ordained His blessings in the middle of rest for us both.

A Tough Lesson

I learned a tough lesson this past week.  That is, we all need time away to rest, think, reflect, dream, and let God speak to us.  We live in a busy society.  I live in a busy home.  And it is impossible to spend a few days allowing God to quiet my heart.  We all need time away from the demands of life and be alone with our thoughts, feelings, and God.  Maybe God can work in your heart in 30 minutes a day but for us slower learners God needs a couple of days to stir our hearts.

I indeed encountered a quiet heart in two different ways:  a physically quiet heart and a spiritually quiet heart.

You know God knew I needed a quiet heart because my world was about to spin out of control again and I would need a quiet heart to keep going.

Please pray for Chloe.  She’s having some health issues that are drastically different from any she’s ever experienced.  They have thrown this mama for a loop.  My brain is spinning trying to figure out what might be causing the issues.  My heart is having to be a steady, quiet, calm force right now when I feel like screaming in panic.  Last night at 9:00, the pediatrician sent her to the ER.  So needless to say, as I finish this post, I have had hardly any sleep.  But thank goodness, the majority of it has been written for a few days!