Trying to find new normal

We got home Thursday afternoon late.  Zine and I both were very down emotionally.  We were glad to be home in some ways!  However, it spilled over our emotional cup.  We were indeed home so everything should settle down, right?  Well, what we realized is that life definitely isn’t the way it used to be.  So we struggled emotionally.

Conner was able to leave for the evening and have an evening away.  Chloe spent the night in her room just vegging.  And Krisann spent it in my lap saying mom….mom….mom.  I counted in 1 minute she said mom 10 times.  I have no clue how many times I heard mom over those hours.  She was so excited we were coming home.  She had arranged everything for our welcome home.  A game and a movie.  She even put drinks on the island and popcorn.  Then we were all so tired and emotionally spent we literally were not able to do her plan.  At bedtime, she was heartbroken!  I felt so bad!  But none of us could do it!  We were all spent.

We made one transfer at home that night.  From his wheelchair to the bed and it went seamlessly!  He continues to have pain and be uncomfortable.  But he slept well Thursday night.  Friday we managed our first shower.  And we did that pretty well too!  I’m sure we will improve our system as we go through these next weeks/months.  But for the first time here, I thought things went well.  But man oh man, my body was exhausted when we were done.

Friday after the shower I think we just all worked on recovering.  I did some minor decluttering.   When Conner got home from work I ran a couple of errands…I think.  I truly can’t remember at this very moment.  But I do know Friday night was not a great night.  Even in the middle of the night I gave him pain meds.  Saturday he seemed a bit more alert and awake.  Home health came out and did their intake.  Took them 2 and half hours.  He was less than thrilled.  The idea that at 41 years old he is having home health does not encourage him one bit.

Some friends just came and had dinner and hung out with us on Saturday afternoon.  We didn’t talk about emotional stuff.  We didn’t have in depth conversations.  We just hung out!!  We can’t wait until we feel like being fun and partying again.  Oh how I find myself praying, that we will find that fun, light hearted spirit again!!

Zine is ready to go to bed by 8:00.  Last night we were about 9 getting him there and transferring when he is tired is not a good thing.  We had our first bad transfer last night!  It was not pretty at all!  But….the good news is….we didn’t have to call for help and we managed it despite the bad transfer.  I think I hurt his hip trying to keep him on the board and on the bed.  But…together we managed!  My biggest fear…he’s going to get somewhere and we won’t be able to transfer back and I will have to call for back up.  I know we have lots of friends that would come…it’s just scary and frustrating when you get to that point!

I do hope to try to go back to work this week…hopefully on Tuesday.  After 13 nights in the hospital/rehab, and trying to find a new normal back at home…the idea of going back to work is very intimidating to me.  I don’t know if I will be able to handle it all but I don’t know until I try!  I’m also thankful that my FPA family has been so accommodating and sweet!  This has definitely not been the best of school years to say the least on my part!

We will be needing some men on occasion to come and sit with Zine.  We can not leave him alone for extended period of time.  He doesn’t like that idea but he does not need to transfer alone.  And as sure as we left him by himself, Mother Nature would call!  So, I am trying to arrange my schedule so that Conner or I are here…but depending on Conner’s work schedule, that’s not always going to happen.  So…if you’d like to have a turn coming and visiting with Zine for an hour or two, please let us know! Each week will be different.  So we will just have to ask people as the need arises.  I know twice this week Conner and my schedules are going to overlap being away.  Did you all hear that…we will just have to ask!!!???  Yes, those words came out of my mouth!  I’ve gotten better about asking!  And I’m so glad to have an army of people who are willing to come and help and love!  We are truly blessed!!

So…all that to say…we are still adjusting and this week will be more adjusting as we begin to have home health nurses and therapists coming and going.   Please pray for endurance for everyone!  It is tiring for us.  It is so emotionally difficult for Zine.  We joke that at least he can feed and groom himself and he can drive his wheelchair by himself…it could always be worse!   Literally those are about the only three things he can do without help!  And that is very, very hard for him.  So continue to pray that God would give him purpose.  That his spirits would be lifted and that feelings of guilt would not have any place to reside in his heart.  Pray for me to be physically strengthened.  Pray for safety when transferring.  Pray for our kiddos as they are fairing pretty well, but we know it takes a toll on them as well.  And pray that by the weeks end, we will have a better grasp on the new normal!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.