MS is horrid disease. The physical symptoms are troublesome at minimum. The emotional is extreme. I receive a great deal of comfort and support from my dear wife, but sometimes all the support in the world can’t overcome the humiliation of some of the symptoms. I don’t know how to express the experience, emotion, and shame that happens due to the symptoms that manifest. I know that there is nothing I can do to prevent the symptoms and there is nothing that I’ve done to cause them, but humiliation still arrives. That is an emotional downer for everyone I have a close relationship with, i.e. my family.
How do I get through this emotional nightmare without placing blame on myself? I can intelectualize the truth, but the connection of 18″ to my heart is quite difficult. I hear no condemnation nor ridicule from the ones I love, even in the midst of their work to correct the results of the manifestation of MS symptoms, but I sit here condemning myself. Love and service is hard to receive when it is the result of the disease that I have taken ownership of. Thus they are not shown love and thanks in return that they should. I’m too busy blaming myself, and feeling humiliation.
I need to listen to the Truth rather than the liar. Sadly the liar has my attention quite often. This is a battle of the spirit that needs to be fought, and fought, and fought again until the battle is complete. Often though I don’t think I fight, I surrender and wrap the lie of condemnation and worthlessness around me.
Lies, lies, everywhere lies. MS sucks.
