Sometimes, we have to weigh the cost of our decisions.  Just like with groceries, our choices often come with a cost.  We must decide if the cost is worth the decision.  Zine might shoot me for posting his picture!!!!  I don’t have his permission.  I’ll just be forced to beg for forgiveness later! Sure am glad I’m married to a forgiving man!  🙂

The Cost of Getting Out

We went to church today.  Not Sunday School and church.  Just church.  And we went to lunch afterwards with some wonderful people!  While out, Zine had to go to the bathroom not once but twice.  And this is getting to be a near impossible task for him to do alone.  I try to let him have as much privacy as possible and not intrude, especially in public bathrooms.  However, I’m learning how to navigate myself into men’s restrooms.  That’s not awkward to say the least, right?  I’m thinking these places that have family bathrooms are the best places to go!  Unfortunately, they are just few and far between.  After leaving the restaurant today, we decided either the days of Zine going to the restroom alone are gone or else he’s going to have to wear pull up pants when we are out.  Y’all, it’s just hard.  Not to go into lots of bathroom details but we normal people take for granted the ease in which we go to the restroom alone.

As soon as we get home and Zine gets in his chair he is out like a light.  The time out of the house is EXHAUSTING.  He will most likely sleep until near bedtime.  This is the life of chemo.  The cost of getting out is extreme exhaustion.  Sometimes I want to scream the cost is too high, let’s stay home.  Other times I want to pay this price so that we can pretend life is somewhat normal.

The Cost of Time

Most all the time, I make the best of situations.  I am famous for in the middle of extremely stressful times saying something off the wall and funny.  Yes, sometimes, it’s to avoid pain.  Other times, it is simply just making the best of a bad situation.  Zine deleted his Facebook account because people’s posts often made him sad and his memories popping up depressed him.  So he and I decided he just needed to delete that in his life.  I already was feeling a bit sad and down today.  Today, I received a picture of what Zine feels often!  I had some pictures pop up in my memories of three years ago.

There have been so many changes in our lives over the past three years.  Those changes have come at great costs!  The loss of jobs has been one of the biggest costs in our home.  The loss of security for our kids emotionally and physically, the loss of light-heartedness and happiness, the loss of knowing purpose in our life, the loss of our places of service, the loss of our social structure are all prices we have paid over the past three years.  And to be totally honest, today, I would love to go back a few years and be able to choose a different path for our lives.  Today, I am just grieving I guess.

The Cost of Grieving

Even grieving comes at a cost!   To grieve something means you have to allow yourself to feel the pain.  And I personally would rather look at life with rose colored glasses on.  It’s hard to let myself feel pain.  I would rather choose to be busy so that I can’t think about pain.  However, I am learning that I have a lot of grieving to do because I have refused to allow myself to feel pain.  I argued with a counselor one time.  (Imagine that..Karen Smith arguing with a professional counselor!!)  This counselor said you can only heal what you choose to feel and reveal.  At the time, I argued that no one wanted to reveal what they were feeling.  I have since discovered, I don’t want to feel either!

Sadness and Tears

I don’t know about you, but when I allow myself to feel emotional pain, there is an overwhelming sadness in me and often accompanied with tears.  And let’s be honest…”I want to cry” said no one ever!  Learning to understand this is actually part of healing and it is good is so difficult!

Lack of Energy

Grief also takes your energy.  It literally zaps your physical body!!  And who wants to be tired?  So despite the fatigue, one of the best things you can do is to eat healthy and exercise daily.  But when you’re tired, there’s no energy for doing this.  So it has to be something you force yourself to do.  Some weeks I do very good at that.  Other weeks, I stink at eating and exercising.

Difficulty making decisions

Grief actually clouds your ability to make wise decisions.  Sometimes I just want to scream don’t make me decide what’s for dinner.  Don’t make me decide what time I need to leave.  If only there someone who could make these little decisions.  This is evidence that when you are grieving you sure don’t need to be making any major decisions.  The past two months, I have wished often for someone to show up and just make a decision for me!

Aloneness

When I am grieving, I just want to be alone.  When I retreat away from others, often it is because I am grieving.  What’s odd, is often on the inside I’m screaming for someone to reach out and love me.  But on the outside I am pushing people away and not getting out of my house.  I think the truth is the more we allow others to love and care of us, the faster we heal.  (Back to that we can only heal what we choose to feel and reveal statement.)  However, for me, that is soooo difficult!

Grief definitely comes at a cost!

Every choice has a cost!  Life has a cost!  Grief has a cost!  In all these things, Jesus has already paid the price.

Christ has paid the way so that I can have hope.  He has paid the price so that I can have a future.  He has paid the price so that I can understand what love really is.  Jesus now sits at the right hand of God interceding for me with words and groanings I can not even imagine!  Jesus has paid the price so that I can have a personal relationship with God.

Unfortunately, I often find I feel safer when I put the curtain up!  It seems safer when there is a curtain between me and God.  It also seems safer when I put a curtain up between me and others.  I feel safer when I make the choice not to grieve.  I feel safer when I stay at home.  But God wants me to know that He is safe.  God is the safe shoreline, but He is also safe in the crashing winds and waves of life.  God is safe no matter what!

You know I love music and God often uses music to speak His quiet truths to my heart.  Here’s a song I have been listening to lately!   Maybe you need to know no matter what God is safe!  It doesn’t matter where we are in life, He can be our safe spot.

We can grieve, we can tear down curtains, and we can learn to do life differently because we are safe in Him!

This week I’m going back to school with Krisann, I’m buying my own groceries, I’m cooking my own dinners, I’m going to a ladies group, and life is going to try to seem like everyone else’s.  My parents will still need lots of phone calls.  Decisions will have to be made.  Grief may overcome me at times.   My goal for the week is to remember God is my safe spot.  Curtains, aloneness, denying of emotions are not safe.  God is safe in the middle of those things.