Still a dream…it can’t be real!

Zine has improved.  He is alert and awake most of the time.    He feels fine.  No headache or anything like that.  His blood has been contrary.  We hit the therapeutic dose on Tuesday afternoon which they said was really good.  That means he got to go longer than 6 hours without them testing his blood.  But then Wednesday morning early his blood was thicker and clotting factor was up.  So all day yesterday we spent increasing his heparin drip and giving him a bolus dose twice.  Last night they finally had his blood back in a good range.  It continued through the night and this morning it is still good.   So they are going to let him go all day without checking and see how it makes it on a longer time period. Hoping that it will stay where it needs to!

Physical Therapy came yesterday and helped him get up and move a little bit.  He also got up twice and sat in the chair.  He is very weak!  And I’m sure it will take time to build back up his strength!

We have been battling some emotional issues in our lives and this event has really brought them to the forefront.  We have let this disease get ahead of us due to the emotional issues.  We have not made the needed transitions to proper medical equipment for several reasons.  One, he has fought this disease tooth and nail and to get medical equipment or to do things differently is defeat.  Two, no one wants to turn their house into a hospital!  Three, it is expensive.  But I have definitely realized that we have allowed him to miss out on life due to lack of proper medical equipment.  So we have not only a long battle of emotional issues, we’ve got a long battle to explore exactly what we need.

And if there is one thing we know about Zine, he is a do it yourself guy!   And we have allowed him to rule the roost and do it himself even when it is unsafe.  He’s tried to take his wheelchair down stairs (oops that one was on accident), he tries new things when no one is around and ends up in places he wasn’t planning on, getting in the bed is a dangerous event in which I’ve let him do just because I didn’t want to fight him.  Even putting on his socks and shoes is dangerous and on any given day he might nearly fall three or four times in that process.  Even as he has walked with his walker in the house he has become very unstable.  And…I have allowed him to do things that were unsafe because that was easier than battling.  I figured that all the harping in the world wouldn’t change anything.

So here we find ourselves in a new situation…a simple fall could be exceptionally dangerous.  As a matter of fact, now if he takes a fall we are supposed to immediately come to the ER. Falls are quite normal part of his life.   Doctor and Physical Therapist have been talking strongly to us about safety.  Which safety means LOTS of changes on our side.  So we will begin the exploring stages of what we need to begin to implement.  And we can’t do that on our own.  So help is on the way!!  But the harder part of this is our willingness to step out of our comfort zone.  Removing the comfort zone for not wanting our house to look like a hospital.  Removing the comfort zone of doing things that are unsafe because it is easier.  Removing the comfort zone of being a do it yourself person.  Removing the comfort zone of not knowing exactly how much things are going to cost but doing them because they are things that have the potential to breathe life back into our lives.  Those things my friends are hard and difficult!  And they are choices we have to make.  Not only those choices but also choices in our emotional world as well.

Wow!  There’s a lot to take in and think about.  Not to mention the sheer thought that he almost died and the emotional toll that takes.    Can I just say that this all seems like a dream?  I’m pretty sure that we are going to wake up and it will be gone!  But dog gone it, we keep getting woke up at 4 am for bloodwork and it is stark reminder that it is not a dream!  But real often, I look at what has happened and what is ahead of us and I think it is a dream! If only….it were a dream that would be awesome!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.