Taking care of myself is obviously a personal struggle I encounter daily.  A year ago, I was struggling immensely with my health.  I was struggling to get enough nutrients in my body!  Stress had taken its toll.  You could count every rib on my body.

Skinny and Unhealthy

I mean, who doesn’t want to be skinny?  But skinny wasn’t the issue.  Taking care of me was the issue.

My heart went crazy.  There were no consistent beats at all.  There were times, I literally thought I might die if it didn’t start beating correctly.

Not only that but my blood pressure would go very low.  And it would make me feel horrid.  Like I can’t even sit up horrid.  It landed me in the ER one evening where some hard realities and I came face to face.

Without meds

I am VERY happy to not be sick anymore.  I have been feeling much better than I did!  But what I do know, taking care of me is a lifelong journey I think.  I still count calories and know how many I am getting in a day.  I am at what the nutritionist says is my target weight.  I maintained target weight for quite some time with the help of appetite stimulant.  I came off appetite stimulant about 5 or 6 weeks ago.  I am on my own!!

Old Habits Resurface

And guess what…without the help of medicine I found myself back in old habits these past two weeks.   It’s dinner time and guess what, I haven’t eaten.  My exercise took a nose dive due to lack of energy.  I quit drinking my protein shakes the past two weeks.  I’m not sleeping well.  My fingers have this purplish look to them at times.  And my back is absolutely killing me.  All these things were things that happened a year ago, I just didn’t recognize the symptoms.  I almost missed them this time.

I went to the chiropractor, massage therapist, and doctor!!  Relief please??!!  The doctor decided to do some blood work but some of it needed to be fasting.  I said, no worries, I haven’t eaten anything yet today.  (It was 2:00 pm)  Take my advice…don’t ever tell your doctor this!!  Bean burritos are my staple food again seems to be the only thing I really want to eat.  In a doctor office today I listened to a lecture about how important eating is.  I’ve heard this before.  For some reason, those old habits are kicking back in.  I haven’t lost much weight, thank goodness!  But the sight of old habits are scary!  And knowing I don’t have much weight to lose means I must gain control of this battle once again.  I can not let myself get sick again!  I cannot lose all the muscles I have worked so hard to regain.

An emotional struggle

Not only is there a physical battle going, I have had this huge emotional struggle lately of what do people think about me.  I have found myself avoiding social situations again, partly because I haven’t felt well but partly because I let my thoughts get the best of me.  Satan floods my mind with what does that person think about me?  What are they saying about me behind my back?  Isn’t that crazy?  They probably aren’t saying anything!  But Satan convinces me that I am being judged.  Satan convinces me that I am damaged goods!  Satan is having a hay day in my thought processes right now.  And he’s having a hay day with my eating habits and fitness these past two weeks.

I am thankful that I recognize the symptoms this time and I am thankful that I have some people that say hard things to me.  Albeit sometimes they aren’t nice and comforting!  But they are exactly what I need to hear.  “Get your butt up and exercise.”  “Just put the dang fork in your mouth!” “Drink your water.  And then more water.”  “You’re fingers are purple looking again, what does that mean?”

When God’s Word Speaks

So today when I read this devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries I saw me in this devotional.  I saw me being held hostage by my own insecurities, inferiorities, and inadequacies.  At the end of the devotional it reminds me that I am the light of the world and the salt of the earth.  If I am silent because I allow Satan to convince me I am of no importance, then I am not believing truth that God speaks.  I choose to believe God’s words over Satan’s manipulations.

Choosing to Walk in Victory

Today I am making a choice.  A choice to shine God’s flashlight on my battles.  Choosing to stand in victory not defeat.  I have His resurrecting power in me.  I am not damaged goods; I am something good in the making.  God’s not finished with me yet.  When I see broken, He sees mended!  I am choosing to walk in victory!  I am going to make a conscious effort to not let myself get sick again and I am going to make a conscious effort to not allow “what others think” keep me from doing what God has called me to do.  Broken/Mended people are still used by God everyday.  And being broken…it’s a good thing!  So today, may I make choices that reflect caring for me physically and may I make choices to walk in victory over Satan’s whispers in my ears.