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I have a question, that is a line I frequently stated my first two weeks in eating disorder treatment. My question that I asked everyone I met with:  “Do you really think I have an eating disorder?”  Every person I sat down with, this line came up. I have a question…do you really think I have an eating disorder?

At first, people just looked at me weird. They should have said,  “You know you’re at an eating disorder treatment facility, right?” That’s the look I received most of the time.

But honestly, I thought I was going to go to this eating disorder treatment for their seventy-two hour observation period and then come home. I kept thinking I didn’t have an eating disorder.

One of my therapists gave me a hint that if they didn’t think I had an eating disorder, then I probably would have never been admitted to the program. However, this was not good enough. I needed a definite answer.

So I continued with my line, “I have a question…do you really think I have an eating disorder?”

Finally, one day, sitting in the doctor’s office, the answer was given in a very matter of fact way. This doctor looked at me, and without any hesitation, she said, “Yes, why yes you do.”  My response, “Label it, what is my diagnosis?” To which she explained that they were getting away from labels and using the general term eating disorder. Each person was unique, and their eating disorder was unique, and they preferred to treat everyone individually. Then she said, “If you need to know your diagnosis, it is anorexia, restricting type.” What else could I say? My question had now been answered.  I am in a place that eating disorders are the only thing they treat. This doctor is sitting here assuring me I have an eating disorder and that eating disorder is anorexia.

All of a sudden the room started to spin around me. This can’t be happening. This can’t really be true.  But yes, it was true.

One would think that a few years ago when I first battled an eating disorder would have been all I needed to answer my question. But this time was different. I felt more defiant about the idea of having an eating disorder. And the diagnosis felt more official. Someone who really knew about eating disorders had now said I had an eating disorder. For several days, this diagnosis slowly began to sink in.

My Next Question

As my diagnosis begin to settle in, my next question arose. This time it wasn’t for those that were a part of my team. It was for God. Yep, I begin to ask God a question. “God, do you see me?”

I sat in the middle of a muck. Feeling unseen. Have you ever been there?

God’s response didn’t come as quickly as the doctor’s response. God allowed me to sit in the muck and mire and to wrestle with feeling unseen. The truth is, I’m still wrestling through this feeling of unseen.

Many people will say just get over it or move on. However, I think there is something powerful with sitting in the mud and wrestling with God. I love what Lysa Terkurst says in her new book It’s Not Supposed to be This Way, “You will hear human answers that try to tie bows around the big blows of life. These sound good in a sermon but never hold up in real life.”

I also read the following in Lysa’s book:

I think she will question, ‘Why did You do this to me?’ The Father replied, “She most certainly will question Me. Her favorite question of all will be ‘Why?’ And it will serve her well. For in the incessant wrestling she will come to learn something most people never learn. She will see I didn’t do these things to her. I did them for her. Though it broke My heart to give her the opposite of what she wanted, she will watch me eventually turn all that bad into good.  I will turn it all upside down, and in doing so, she will live right side up.”

There is nothing better than a group of ladies in an eating disorder treatment center reading these words together. This is why I don’t want to hurry and make things pretty. This is why I have decided sitting and wrestling is an okay place to be. One day, God will turn all that seems bad into good. I don’t want to miss the good that God is going to bring!  Therefore, I will be okay with muck and wrestling.

Glimpses of Faith and Struggles

My goal for sharing the good and the bad in our life is, so you get glimpses of our faith and struggles. I used to think the two couldn’t coexist together. I would think if I only had enough faith, I wouldn’t have struggles. How did I believe such an untruth? [bctt tweet=”Struggles are to prove your faith is genuine.” username=”Karen_Kay_Smith”]  Wise words from 1 Peter–there is joy ahead in the journey, but first, we have to struggle a little while.

If you are in a season of wrestling, please know I get it friend.  If you need to talk to someone who isn’t going to give you a cliche Christian answer, feel free to reach out to me.  I will be glad to listen and sit in the muck with you.  We will wrestle together, and we will cheer for each other when joy comes!