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Last week was a complete dud!  It was a disaster!  When mom loses it emotionally, things get bad!  And this mom lost it last week!  I cried so much that it took two days for me to feel like keeping my eyes open!!  It was a bad breakdown!

I got to thinking about the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak.  I tried to get to the bottom of what caused me to break and I think it was the feeling of helplessness.  My seven year old is sending me to the feeling of helpless…completely helpless.  Let’s just say we have regressed in her emotional health.  She is back to sleeping with me most nights.  She also has some behaviors that are making us crazy.  Sometimes she is as sweet as sweet can be.  But other times, oh my word!!!  At counseling this past week, we took the situation that caused me to break and broke it down play by play with the counselor.  Then when the counselor begin to ask her questions and get to the bottom of what caused Krisann to act the way she did…it boiled down to the same thing that it boils down to often.  “I’m afraid my daddy is going to die.”  I don’t think I can even begin to understand the depth of the impact of this statement in her life.  The counselor then proceeded to tell her over and over again she was right.  Her daddy was going to die.  As I sat and watched and listened to this conversation the tears rolled again!  Oh how my heart hurt.  There is nothing I can do about that fear of hers!  And her fear often comes out as anger.  And guess who gets the brunt of her anger….ME!!!  So oftentimes, I feel like I am in a pretty helpless situation.

I so want to provide Krisann with the same environment that my older two had growing up!  For all practical purposes they were raised in a near perfect environment.  Krisann has been raised from one tragedy to another.  Surgeries, chemo, pulmonary embolisms, week long chemo, broken hip, acute pancreatitis, etc.  She has lived from this person keeping her, to that person keeping her, to this person staying at our home to being raised by her siblings, etc.  Not to mention that the emotional health at our home is not always the greatest.  So her raising has been NOTHING like my other two!  And to expect her to live her life without fear, anxiety, and grief would be crazy!  But I find myself desiring that for her daily!  And helpless to make it happen!

Humbled…On top of the emotional stuff that’s been going on…I have had two men here working on replacing some fence posts, power washing and getting ready to re-stain my privacy fence.  It is KILLING me how many hours they have spent here!  Some days I can’t hardly stand it!  I know they are doing it because they desire to but it is definitely teaching me humility!  I haven’t even had the energy to make them cookies or anything!!!  I feel very sad that they are spending so much time here.  But on the other hand, I am truly grateful because that job was just beyond me!  Learning humility is not fun though!!  I just gotta say!

Because of my out of sync week, everything got out of order and out of routine to say the least.  So my laundry got piled up.  Today, I went to tackle the laundry!  And I just decided it was hopeless!!