Heartbroken and Held

Now that I can think a bit more clearly…I will just give you some further insight into how doctors know that Zine’s disease has progressed and what is on the horizon.

Depression–Depression has been a HUGE battle at our home.  Continues to be a HUGE battle at our home.  So we are adding another anti depressant that works differently than one we are currently taking.  Even this afternoon as Zine came in from work, the tears were flowing and overwhelmed was an understatement for how he felt!   He summarized some statements for where he was emotionally.  I am not appreciated at work.  There are emotional struggles in our home because of me.  There are looming financial concerns because of me and my ability to work. Nothing is fun anymore.  Those things that I think would be fun are too difficult to obtain or I wouldn’t be able to do them anyway.  I think he had a couple more.  He said they are not perception they are facts!  I quickly agreed that some were facts!  But that struggles and responsibility were not to be laid in his lap!  With MS, he has done nothing to obtain and there is nothing more he can do to get rid of it.  And sickness exists because we live in a sinful fallen world.  So if there needed to be a blame game going on, it needed to be sat squarely in Satan’s lap!  But when depression has a hold on you, it is so hard to see this!  So, I am definitely praying that the new med will work in regards to depression!  My heart is broken for him…my sweet love needs a break!!  Dog gone it!!  Enough is enough…that’s what I think!!

Feelings–Not feelings of emotional feelings but the ability to use your sense of touch-Zine has lost all feeling on the left side from hips down for awhile.  This time, the lack of feeling consumed both legs all the way up to chest area.  MS patients can cut themselves and not know it…burn themselves and not know it…all because they can’t feel like we feel!  We have a scald protector in our shower so the water can’t get too hot!  We don’t put sharp knives in the sink to be washed they are placed carefully to the side. 

Spastisticy–That means your muscles are very tight!  They are spastic!!  Zine can no longer bend his left leg at all.  He takes medicine for this constantly.  But we increased the dosage of his medicine in this area.  However, the doctor explained that Zine was to a point now that if we lowered the spasticisty that when his legs lose that spasticity, he would no longer be able to hold his weight at all because then we would see how weak he really was.  So in reality, spasticity is a blessing right now.  Those tight muscles that won’t bend legs can be a blessing!!  Just imagine your knees won’t bend at all.  And to make them bend, you literally have to have your hands to bend them down just so you can sit!  Yep…that’s Zine.  And when you fall, if your legs won’t bend it is near impossible to get up out of the floor.  When he falls, he is normally like a row of bricks…that body doesn’t move at all sometimes!  Oh wait, I bet you climb in the bed each night and never think a thing about climbing in.  For Zine to get in the bed is a horrible difficult process.  Rolling over is near impossible!  Yep, we definitely don’t appreciate some things in life until we see someone we love struggle do a task that we think nothing about!

Weakness–In the neurological exam, it was very evident that the disease now affected both sides.  To be able to do something one month, then three months later not be able to do some of those things is very discouraging!

Eyes–Zine’s left eye has always been his bad eye.  However, this time his good eye is affected as well.  Yet another realization that the disease continues to wreak havoc in his body!  Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they are focused on you and what you were saying but yet their eyes were not looking at you??  It’s kinda weird!  When it first started, I would say Zine look at me.  He would respond I am!  I didn’t believe him at first but now I do!!  He’s intent but his eyes just don’t work together to look in the direction they need to!

The question that they asked us over and over again, is swallowing getting difficult.  So…I guess that means I know what symptom is next on the horizon!! 

So…it was exceptionally obvious that things were worse.  There was no MRI needed to show that!  The doctors were even able to say certain things were caused by lesions in certain places!

We were heartbroken but yet prepared to be heartbroken!  Prepared is always better than caught off guard, in my opinion!  We definitely do not wish to walk the path laid out before us.  We still believe that God is our only hope and that at any moment He can bring healing!  But in the meantime, we still have to make decisions and move forward with earthly decisions.  And sometimes these decisions come with a great risk and a great cost!  I love this song by Casting Crowns Just Be Held. Sometimes we need to be held!  Sometimes it’s God who holds us.  Sometimes it’s people who wrap their arms around us and love us.  And we need both!  There’s also a line in this song that I just keep coming back to…Your world is not falling apart, it’s falling into place!  I sure am ready to see it fall into place and feel like it is NOT falling apart.


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.