I have felt like a terrible mom, friend, wife lately. Just been feeling like a failure in many areas. I have heard these words from others…”are you mad at me? You were very distant today.” “What’s going on…you’re super quiet today?” “Why didn’t you call me?” “I thought you didn’t want me to come.” “I feel like you’ve changed and I don’t know how to respond.” If you know me, I have always been a pleaser! I have always given and given and given to others, so to have others say these words to me makes me feel pretty rotten.
Ping pong ball is now bounced to the other side of the table.
But then, I say, well Karen, that should make you feel loved that others want to know if you’re mad at them. You should feel love, not guilt, when people notice you are withdrawn and quiet! So there’s this constant battle in my heart and in my thoughts!
Ping pong ball bounces back to the other side of the table.
My internal thoughts say how can you let your daughter get a horrible headache for DAYS before you sought medical help? You’re a bad mom! I often feel like a bad wife as my husband wrestles with his own emotions in where we are in this season and I get to be the receiver of anger and frustration. As Krisann has melt downs and extreme insecurities, I sometimes think what in the world have I done wrong?
Ping pong ball bounces to the other side of the table.
Then I think…how could I have known Chloe was so sick? I’ve never had a migraine before. Really, you love your husband with all your heart. You’re not a bad wife. And Krisann…she’s the product of trauma. Her entire life has been one trauma after another in the formative years of her life. Why would you think you have messed up? You have loved her well.
Ping pong bounces back to the other side of the table.
And then I am back with feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, etc.
Reminds me of a game we used to play on the Wii. We had Mario and Luigi Olympic Games. And that’s about how I feel sometimes.
I have decided that instead of letting life bounce me back and forth back and forth, I need to ground myself in the truths of what God says about me.
–I am His creation. (Gen. 1:27)
–He knows how many hairs are on my head. (Matthew 10:30) And I am constantly losing hair so that is an amazing fact!
–I am important. (Matthew 10:31)
–I am saved by grace not works. (Ephesians 2:8) I don’t have to perfect my performance for Him!
–I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
–There is no condemnation for me. (Romans 8:1-2)
–I am being transformed into His image. (2 Corinthians 3:18) This is a continual process. A daily process.
–I am empowered with everything required for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) I don’t have to find more faith or more strength. He has already given me what I need!
–I am filled with His Spirit. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
–I have peace. (Romans 5:1)
–I am loved so much that I was bought, set apart! (1 Corinthians 6:20) (Jeremiah 31:3)
–I was chosen, hand picked! (John 15:16)
–I am heard. (1 John 5:14-15)
–I am forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
–I have abundant life. (John 10:10) Not just get through life one day at a time…but abundant life!!
–I am blessed. (Ephesians 1:3)
–I abide in Him, and He in me, and I bear much fruit. (John 15:5) Once again, I don’t bear fruit because I have perfected my performance I bear fruit because I am connected to Him!
So the next time I start getting bounced around like a ping pong ball, I am going to try to stand firm in what God says about me! Giving up perfected performances is so difficult!!
