As I shared a video in the post Ummmm…..what happened? we have been working on Chloe’s medicines. This particular post shows a video of Chloe struggling after we upped some of her new medicine. Well, what we didn’t force happening after that was the wreck it caused in her emotional state! And I missed the fact that the emotional state was related to medicine. I spent almost two weeks pulling out all counseling tips, lots of prayers, much frustration, and complete exasperation before taking her to the psychologist and counselor. The result of those visits was there was nothing I could do nor she could do to fix it. An email to the doctor was in order. Sure enough, that drug can affect your central nervous system. That explained her headaches and every negative emotion than one could possibly imagine. So that has led us to slowly take away this medicine. After reducing the drug, within 48 hours we saw an improvement in her emotional state. So over the past week, we have been working at getting her off this particular drug. Every time we reduce it, she is basically sick for about 24 to 48 hours. This makes us sad to take her off the drug. Physically, she had improved greatly! I could look at her and know she was feeling good! I saw her playing and moving around much more than she ever has. Now…I look at her and I can tell she is back to hurting and in general feeling bad.
So the dilemma is to be sick physically or to be sick emotionally! We all have made the same choice…we would rather Chloe be sick physically than emotionally. Actually, we would rather her not be sick at all!! But if we have to choose…we would much prefer her to be as healthy emotionally as she can! But…it makes this mama sad to have seen her feel so good physically and then just crash emotionally.
She visited her local neurologist last week who educated us on a Baclofen pump. And she also introduced us to the idea of pain management doctors. Talk about making reality set in…this definitely did it. So an email was then sent to her doctor in Ohio. And then all of a sudden, our trip to Ohio in October has been lengthened. She will now see several new doctors while we are there. We definitely don’t know what to expect. But we do know that she and I both share some anxiety over those appointments. Will their recommendation be a baclofen pump? Will they want to try different medicines with the possibility of causing more emotional trauma?! I don’t think we have any way to predict!
What I am reminded when I think and try to comprehend all this, the future is uncertain. Our October trip to specialists come with a lot of uncertainty. However, I am further reminded that even amidst this, God is unchangeable! God is still God. God is still our strength. God is still working His plans in our lives. God is still for us, not against us. God still desires to prosper and not to harm. God is still meeting our needs!
So why fret and worry over this appointment when God is unchangeable?
Well, I think I’m human! And I’m a mom! I can put my trust in an unchangeable God and have faith in all those traits of who God is. But right beside that faith and trust, is a mommy heart that struggles when her child struggles. A mama heart that doesn’t want her child to have to be full of anxiety. A mama heart that wants her child to be healthy both physically and emotionally. A mama heart that wants to protect her child from what the future might hold. A mama heart that does not like her girl to be sick. A mama heart that loves deeply! And when we love deeply, our hearts are tender for those we love!
I beat myself up often for having uncertain feelings about upcoming appointments. Once again, I think if I were a good Christian I would not struggle or be concerned over appointments such as these because my faith should be strong enough to carry me through. But what I am beginning to understand is that it has less to do with my faith and more to do with a heart that loves!
So as much as I would like to say I am okay with whatever happens over the next few months as we play with more medicine trials and educate ourselves on baclofen pumps, I can’t. Because after all, I have a mama heart that loves deeply! But right alongside that troubled heart, I have full confidence that God will continue to be God in our lives! He is unchanging! And yes, the two of those concepts can reside side by side!
