This week has been most difficult. Came home to an incredibly sick little one. Nursed her for several days. All the while, doing research and talking and emailing doctors in Ohio from whence I had just returned. Then about the time Krisann felt better, Zines body decided it wasn’t going to work. Tuesday night he needed help to get up off sofa. He then “laid down gracefully” in the floor that night after showering. Those were his words not mine. I would call it falling! But if one must be all professional we will say he laid down gracefully. After much trying he called for help. Conner and I together was able to get him up. There are no adequate words to say how hard it is to get someone out of the floor who can’t move their legs! It is really difficult. But we are beginning to learn some tricks. Finally, the bed was conquered. Getting in and out of bed is near impossible task for him. And Tuesday night it was impossible.
The next 30 minutes were some of the longest minutes in my life. Most likely some of the most difficult minutes I have ever spent. For 30 minutes, I listened to my husband in the floor, wallering around, sighing, grunting, doing everything within his power to get up out of the floor. Yep, for some reason, sighing and grunting are supposed to help in the process. For me to lie in bed and listen to the struggle and do nothing…heart wrenching and such a helpless feeling. The outcome..two words…Mission Impossible!! But I had decided that I would not say a word, I would not interject my two cents. This was something that he needed to wrestle through. Literally wrestle through! My heart was broken. My heart was broken because the man I love sooo much found himself in the floor. My heart was broken because the man I love wouldn’t allow me to serve Him with a willing spirit. My heart was broken at the struggle that was going on inside of him. My heart was broken at the thoughts that Satan puts in my brain when Zine refuses my help…you’re not good enough to help, you’re not important enough to help, you’ve not smart enough to help, you’re not loved enough or else he would let you help him. And I’m sure I can add more to that list. My heart was broken! Almost 48 hours has passed since that moment, and I’m still heartbroken. Think I might have to do a lot of revealing and receive a lot of care over this event in my life!!
I won’t even begin to explain what was going on in Zine’s heart and mind. He’ll have to do that for us sometime. But I imagine it included some determination that this disease was not going to win quickly followed by a feeling of defeat. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure he had to swallow a lot of pride. 30 minutes by the clock, I hear Zine say, “Karen if you’re still willing I need some help.” So I got up, turned the lamp on and walked around the edge of the bed. This time I encountered a much different person. There was no complaining this time. There was resignation. Once again, need I remind you how absolutely difficult it is to get someone out of the floor who can’t help very much??!! So it took awhile but I was finally able, with his help, to get him up out of floor and into wheelchair.
This was doing the difficult! Struggling through situations, giving it your all, swallowing pride, having to forgive enough that you are willing to help and serve once you’ve been wounded, working together to accomplish a task when your relationship is not healthy at the moment, but persevering through…doing the difficult. Doing the difficult…seems to be what we are each called to everyday. Stay the course…do the hard! And in that process God’s grace is sufficient!
You’re difficult situation is different from mine! But we all have them in our lives. Just remember doing the difficult is hard, but God’s grace is sufficient.
For this very serious post, I do have a funny picture.
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