For the first time in my life, I want to stand on top of my house and yell for the whole word to hear…We are done!!  And not done as in we quit!  But done as in we conquered this feat!  This process has been most difficult.  Internet at the hospital has been almost non existent…which has made posting updates near impossible.    And I can not even begin to explain how tiring this has been.  So I’ve had absolutely no energy to think nor type.

These kids have kept us going this week!
Every day, I think, we can not keep doing this!  But then these faces remind us there is a battle raging and we are to stand in the fight!  So…the next day, I talk our entire family into the mentality, we can do this, we can conquer this part of the battle.
Zine has done very well!  Friday was a very difficult day.   A machine broke and his blood spilled in the floor.  A second machine was brought.  It let blood back up into someplace it shouldn’t so therefore more of his blood wasn’t being returned to him.  It was the day the nurse called for me to come because she wanted to talk to me.   It was simply put a bad difficult day.  On Sunday our church family prayed for us at the exact time the procedure was going on and it was the best and easiest day out of them all!  So thankful for their prayers and thankful for an easier procedure.
But my husband has been past going on treatment days.  After treatments, he is physically exhausted.  He can’t even hold his head up.  If he is awake he has used his hand to hold his head up!  But mostly he sleeps.  He sleeps hard.  So we’ve been in quiet mode here.  Of course, I think we could bang pots and pans and he would still sleep through them.  But…we’ve tried to be quiet so he could rest.  He thinks it’s okay because he’s just exhausted, he’s not throwing up!  Throwing up is sick in his book.  Exhausted, like he has been, is sick in my book! But whether we agree that he is sick or not sick… the process has wiped him out!  
And my heart has been broken for him.  For our situation.  For where we find ourselves.  Many tears! And I have found myself with lack of sleep and exhausted!!  
Zine’s out in the picture above and I have even found myself on the sofa a few times this week.  If I lie down on the sofa, you know I’m exhausted…I rarely ever sit down to begin with but then to rest is totally unheard of. 
But in the middle of this pain and heartache and sheer exhaustion, God just let me see the past few days, the opportunities He has given us.
The post op nurse rolled Zine back to me last week, and said, he definitely wasn’t with it when he came to me, but since he’s woke up he has blessed me tremendously!
The lady that cleans where I have sat many hours lately, several opportunities to visit with her.  I told her today I would come back sometime just to see her.  I was sad to tell her this was my last day there!
The nurse who was having a horrible argument on the telephone where I was sitting…well…we were able to just pray for peace for her.  I hugged her as she and I passed in the doorway to the bathroom and she was sobbing. Later she came over and apologized for the argument she had on the phone.  What a blessing for her to come apologize but for me to say, I understand what it is like to argue with your husband.  It is no fun and my heart is hurting for where you are right now!  And then we just shared we had been praying for peace for her.
The nurse who took care of Zine whose husband was a physicist and an atheist and how Zine was able to speak to her so tenderly and from a scientist standpoint.
These are not happen chance meetings.  These are God given opportunities of ministry.  We have always prayed that in the middle of where we find ourselves that others would see Jesus in us and that we would be a blessing.  And as we have navigated this season, I have felt that we often miss opportunities due to our negative emotions.  But over and over again, throughout this process, God has really shown me how we have indeed made a difference.  
Not only have we seen how God has used us to bring His love to others…at the very same time God has been showering us with His love!  I quickly discovered on the first day that for those hours that the process was going on, I did not do well alone.  And I actually communicated that I didn’t like that (which I typically never do).  And you know what…God sent people to sit with me EVERYDAY after that.  For each of those ladies who came and sat with me, I will always cherish my time with them.  There were no deep intense conversations.  But they were fun get to know you better conversations or catching up where we each were in life.  A total blessing for ladies to take HOURS of a day to be with me!  Forever grateful!  Grateful for those that got to help me make decisions at the hospital.  In the situation I found myself in, I often couldn’t think through things.  So…for a friend to say, yes, let’s do this…I loved it as well.  Sometimes I just need people to step in and make decisions for us when we are overwhelmed and to have friends that did that this week, was quite the blessing.
For those that have brought or bringing dinner to us, thank you very much!  There is no way I could have cooked.  But yet no one felt like going out!  So…meals have been a HUGE HUGE blessing!  My sweet friends Becci and Lesley sprung into action on that set up and I’m so appreciative of them just recognizing that might be a need and getting on it.  They didn’t even ask…they just did…and I loved it!
I’ve had to be reminded several times this week, to rethink love offerings, to not walk in my own strength, but to let others carry part of our burden.  I definitely don’t always walk in that perfectly. 
And my crazy Santa from last year, has been on the job already this year.  Thankfully, I didn’t meet him in a parking lot.  This…this…this…no words.  I really struggled with this.   So I definitely do NOT receive graciously all the time!  
But tonight, I am so grateful to have conquered this mountain!  Now we have approx 6 to 8 weeks, before we begin a pretty rough 5 day chemo treatment.   
But in the meantime, tomorrow we will have his cath changed.  That was scheduled long before we knew we would have just finished this lengthy process.  We also really really want to get this central line out!!!!  He would so love to get it out before Christmas.  The chances that we will obtain that might be slim…but we are praying for God to work a big miracle and he would be able to get this central line removed!!  But it involves two doctors communicating together and it’s almost Christmas.  But God is big…He can make it happen!  So we wait and trust.
But really….we are DONE!!!  We conquered this BIG mountain!!  Whew!  It will take us days to recover though.  The process is done…the recovery is not!!  And the emotional trauma will take even longer to process!  And maybe…the tears will slow!!!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.