What happens when someone makes a promise and then they break their promise? Well, I feel anger, frustration, that I’m not important, disrespected, unloved, etc. And sometimes, I’m just not very forgiving! That happened yesterday to me! And those feelings crept right up in my heart with a vengeance! I’ve struggled all night and all day with those negative emotions. And once again I found myself saying…really God?? Sometimes God’s plan and mine…well…let’s just say…His plan doesn’t always look like I want it to!!
Today, I have been with my sweet girl at the hospital all day!! Yep focusing on her and dealing with negative emotions…not a fun day for me! But…my girl has been such a trooper. She had a surgery in May and again in August!! That’s crazy!!! But she is a warrior!!! She just keeps on keeping on!! She inspires me regularly. Sometimes she exhausts me!!
As I have sat with her today, I have laughed, I have cried, and God has spoken! In hospital settings, Chloe’s anxiety goes through the roof! It escalades greatly! So this time, we were prepared for that anxiety!! And it was much better medical intervention than May! From the moment she got up, her little body started shaking and the tears started rolling. She was a basket case. Once we got through registration, the wait was very short. The nurses were super sweet and efficient. Her blood pressure was elevated. I thought it wasn’t bad. The nurses disagreed. I told them I had seen it worse! It didn’t take long at all for them to get her some anxiety medicine. Then this girl got happy! Really happy! She didn’t say much she just smiled and smiled and smiled! I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that happy!!! But in the middle of this she started doing this thing with her hand. I was sitting beside her and she kept raising her hand up in my face! We couldn’t figure out any purpose. But it was almost nonstop. Once again, we waited so long the anxiety meds were wearing off. So they had to come give her more. But once again, once I requested it they were quick and efficient. And this hand continued to be shoved in my face. They came and took her to surgery soon after this. Two hours later, surgery was complete! Her time in recovery didn’t last long before they were calling for me to come. She was a bit agitated to say the least. When I got to her what was the first thing to greet me…this hand!!! This hand was on my face, in my hair, it was just everywhere. She couldn’t even see me but she could feel me and almost immediately she began to calm down and drifted back off to sleep.
I definitely don’t have an anxiety disorder…but I know what anxiety feels like. I know my body shakes uncontrollably sometimes! And I definitely don’t understand anxiety! It’s a crazy thing!! And I hate that she has to struggle with anxiety disorder and depression!
As I have sat here and just thought through our day…God has been speaking to my heart. God has used this hand to talk to me! God reminded me that this hand when it touched my face and touched my hair today found comfort! That hand when it reached out to the right person found a peace! And very quickly the franticness began to subside and rest began to come! God just said Karen, I offer you the same thing. Just reach your hand out and touch Me! I can bring you comfort, peace, and rest! And that was enticing because I need all three of those things in my life right now!
I am confident that God can do just that! I think I have a problem…I’m not sure how to do that! So…I’ve had to stop and just ask God to show me what it means to reach out and touch Him. What exactly does that look like from my perspective?? How do I trust God?? After all…His plan looks nothing like I want it to! It doesn’t feel like a good plan! It actually feels like I have been overlooked and unloved a lot of times! How do I trust God when the situation isn’t pretty? I know God is at work in my life, but I’m confident that as I struggle through these questions, God is going to show me exactly what that looks like! And as I wrestle with spiritual questions such as these…it’s going to make me a stronger person! It’s going to give me an insight into others who are struggling through these type situations. And it’s producing in me…a hope! A hope that as I learn to reach out my hand, I am going to find those things such as comfort, peace, and rest! A hope that there is purpose beyond what I can see!
And as I say all the time…partly for you…and mostly for me…just because we struggle with issues such as these doesn’t make us less of a Christian!! There’s no reason for self condemnation when we struggle through these issues! Maybe I shall repeat that for me…there’s no reason for self condemnation when we struggle!
