Blood Out and Blood In Is Wearing Us Out

This process has sucked the life out of us.  Will try to do a quick recap!  Please know I have left out details on purpose.  You are simply getting highlights!!

Monday morning we began our day early for a surgery to put in a central line.
The entire process did not go without hiccups to say the least.  But in the big picture the hiccups to begin the day were minor!  The worse was yet to come.  Surgery was successful, the line was put in, and Zine did well.  The wife waiting for him did not do so well!  I have since decided I do not do well without him with me!  I haven never really thought about how much I depend on his emotional support and in his presence until we are not together and I struggle!  This guy makes me so much more brave and so much more secure when I’m with him.  Yep, he makes me lividly angry sometimes too…but that’s just part of being married!  🙂  (I couldn’t say too many nice things about him…don’t want it to go to his head or anything.)
After recovery and post op was completed Zine was taken to have his first blood procedure done.  We had been adequately prepared about the procedure itself and what to expect.  But the logistics we knew we would learn at the hospital.  Long story short, we had a communication breakdown between  I and the medical staff.  I will not share details but shall I just say that by the time we were reunited three and a half to four hours later, I was an utter basket case!!!!
I really and truly do not think that I have ever experienced such a difficult time.   By the time we left the hospital, I told Zine I really hated he had gotten that central line put in because I had no intention to ever return!!  Thank goodness for a friend who could help smooth the path out for us!  Angels sometimes look like human beings that show up out of nowhere.  Sometimes God uses your long term friends as angels and that’s exactly what happened this time!  Even with the smoothing out, I wasn’t sure how in the world we could continue on!  
Our stress level is through the roof!  Or at least mine and the children are.  Zine is in function only mode.  Emotions are not on his radar right now and that’s okay!!  He just has to function and do what needs to be done!  So I’m glad that he is immune to the emotional trauma!
Zine made you some pictures so that you can better understand what is happening!
Today, his calcium levels had dropped so after the procedure he had to have an IV bag of calcium.  His platelets are down today.  By my calculations, I am concerned that we will not finish this exactly as planned.  I am praying fervently for those platelets to stay up but we don’t have a lot of wiggle room before there are issues.  Not borrowing trouble, but definitely recognizing the possibility that we have been educated so well on.  
After this procedure is done…Zine is exhausted.  This afternoon he tried so hard to keep his eyes awake but he just looked utterly miserable.  I didn’t have to ask him to close his eyes but twice and he was out!  This guy is a fighter like no one would believe!!
When they bring him back to me after the procedure, he is SOOOOO pale! 
How are we?  As I stated Zine is in function only mode and that’s exactly where he should be!
I am in function only mode coupled with huge emotional stress.  I think I have done a pretty good job of keeping everything together and being the strong wife and mom.  But something broke last Friday and since then, I’ve been a complete disaster.  Not only a complete disaster, but absolutely exhausted!  I have forgotten regular things (parent day at dance, art class for Chloe, my cell phone today) these are all evidence that my brain is mush!!  Absolute mush!  So please don’t tell me anything you want me to remember!  Because I promise I won’t!
Our children…well Conner…I don’t know if I should worry about him or be thankful….so I do both!  This guy rolls with the flow as it goes with the medical issues.  Or he portrays he does anyway.   Whether it is asking him to help get Zine up when he falls or this week to help Zine scoot down in the bed, to fix his dad a cup of coffee, or help me with something in the house, this guy just does it with NO complaints.   I’m   certain it has to bother him but he is like his mama and holds his emotions very close to his heart!  He has been in charge on the homefront!  My house is still standing and no appendages have been lost.  And the girls are still breathing!  So…I’d say he’s done a good job of managing the house this week so far!
Chloe doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on.  She withdraws a lot.  She also struggles to recognize that stress does crazy things to your body.  So when she has physical symptoms of stress, she thinks there’s something wrong with her.  I had to explain to her that there was not a place on my my body that didn’t hurt.  But I wasn’t worried something was wrong…I knew it was simply stress.  Stress has literally made she and I both sick this week.  So on Monday night after I am completely exhausted and emotionally spent, she needs me!  And I parented her the best I knew how without being drawn into a long emotional conversation that I did not have in me to have.  She’s still quite reserved and withdrawn.  Thankfully, she and I have a counseling session on Thursday.  I would say that is perfect timing!!
Krisann, well Krisann is breaking my heart.  She is becoming so much more aware of the heartache that exists. She is displaying many many signs of wanting to fix things.  Things that can’t be fixed, she’s looking for ways to fix them.  She has been incredibly needy…especially of me!  I’ve been working hard at drawing boundaries with her and teaching her what is good and what we don’t need to do just because we are stressed.  I desire to teach her even early how the best ways are to cope with stress.  Last night as we sat down to do our devotional, she asked us to pray for her.  She told us she had been having problems with her “actions” and she really wanted to do the right things!  That my friends, melted my heart!!  What a blessing for your children even at the age of 6 to say I want you to pray for me!!  Wow!!!  So…we did exactly that we prayed for Krisann!  
And Krisann loves her pale face daddy!!  
She’s very protective of him at times!  I often wonder exactly what role she will play as she gets older!  But reminded everyday that she is a gift from God!  Grace is her middle name for a reason!
I would love to say this process is done…but we’re not even halfway done yet.  We definitely need God to sustain us.  Thank goodness He promises His grace is sufficient. Now sometimes, I’m human. One day this week, I was just mad at God.  The One who can take this heart ache away is not.  And I was mad.  I didn’t want to talk to Him.  I didn’t want to talk about Him.  But I am confident (after much condemnation was dealt with), that was okay!  He understands the heartache.  He knows I love Him.  He knows I will not turn my back on him forever.  He knows my hurt is gigantic.  And that does not make me a bad Christian.  That does not my faith weak.  Instead it makes my faith real!  And that’s exactly what God wants.  He wants me to be authentic and real!! And God doesn’t wait for me to finish my temper tantrum to hug and love me…He loves me in the middle of my temper tantrums and gigantic pain!
So there’s not just physcial battles we are fighting, there are spiritual battles, relational battles, emotional battles and simply put a battle with the enemy.  No wonder we are exhausted!!!  But we will continue to stand in the fight.  The battle rages on all sides.  But we will stand.  
Please please pray fervently for us!!  We need it!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.