A Broken Record

Do you ever feel life is a broken record?  You know, same few lines of a song keep repeating!  Oh wait…I think that is showing my age!!  But…that’s exactly what our life is right now!

Exhaustion continues to be a major issue.  My back is still worn out.  Zine is still locked in his room.  Conner is still sick.  And I have yet to have a completely clean head day on any of the three children!  Washing machine is still going non stop.  Hot water continues to depleted on a regular basis.  Our meals continue to be irregular and unhealthy…with the exception of dinner! We continue to wear masks constantly.  We continue to not eat meals together.  I continue to have a cleaning session every morning about 7 am and clorox wipe everything down!

However, this morning when I awoke at 3 am..I had just a tad more peaceful spirit, now understand that’s not saying much…but at least for a moment I didn’t feel as stressed and heart broken.  And I’m hopeful that today at least one child will have a completely clean head!!   If not, you will hear me cry!!  Today I’m on duty by myself.  I’ve thankfully had help for the past couple of days!  Today is my regularly scheduled massage!  So it better not snow too much!!  Or else you might hear me cry again!   I think the hair routine is about to start very soon because Krisann is scratching crazily right now and so that I get an early start and don’t miss my massage.  My back and neck definitely need it!  One of the benefits of this life…between some awesome cleaners last week and my continual clorox wiping and Krisann dumping half a picture of sweet tea out yesterday, this house may be as clean as it has ever been!

In the past few days, our hearts have been broken, our eyes have cried, our spirits have been weary, and our hope has been lost!  But we continue to work towards applying the truths we know in our head to our hears!  Head knowledge is so much easier work than heart knowledge.  Krisann and I have been talking a lot lately about knowing things in your head and knowing them in your heart.

And everyday we listen to some praise and worship music.  And yesterday this is the song that we listened to over and over.  Steady My Heart is another song that we have come to listen to on a regular basis!  Krisann wants to listen over and over and over so she can learn them.  Trust In You is another song we listen to over and over again!

To give you a glimpse of some of the discussions we have had in our house…many of them have started, “I’m afraid my daddy is going to die” “Is it time and how can we live on disability?” “Is dad going to get sick?”  “My heart is broken that you have to go through this.” “I don’t like you being sick.”  “No one understands what it is like to live in this place.”  “I feel like my friends don’t understand.”  “Did you sanitize your hands?”  “Do you have your mask on?” “Do people get remarried after their husband dies?” (That one almost sent me over the edge.  Thankful there were people here when she asked or else I might have fallen apart.) “It’s okay, put your mask on and come see your daddy.”  “I need a hug” (followed by tears and sobs).

But in the middle of all those painful difficult discussions….there have been moments that I can not even begin to share.  Here are some that I think are just priceless.

Krisann has been the most attentive one to her daddy with Conner being sick!

Zine and I have shared some very tender moments together.  Yes, they have brought us to tears numerous times!  But for once, we really haven’t argued.  They have just been peaceful discussions!  And moments of emotional tenderness and emotional caring going on.

This picture to me captures so much!  Last week, we had the blessing of our pastor being with us!  And I saw my pastor be a servant in its truest form!    There are many things I can learn from his servant heart!

And these two men…there is nothing but love and admiration on both of their parts.  I was blessed to have the opportunity to watch these two for a week.  I was very nervous and anxious about someone being with Zine and I in our worst moments.  But God was so good.  The awkwardness was far out weighed by the love and compassion!  And I could have never done this alone!  To think I thought I could was absurd!!

And even this….a time of family bonding for sure.  We would rather our bonding be in different ways…but we have gotten lots of time together this week.  Guessing God wanted to bless me with their continual presence since I was away from them for a week.  🙂

Just a glimpse…and I do mean glimpse…into what life is like these days!


Wife of 20+ years. Mom to 3 children. Love sharing my life with weary hearts so that we can know the One who is Good, who is in Control, and Whose strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.