Bleeding scares, MS Camp, and another heart ablation has been on the agenda in the Smith household.  Coupled with a lot of unmentioned stresses.

Prayer changes things!

I am convinced.

Thank you for praying for our bleeding scare this week.  My sweet husband likes to minimize things, but it was absolutely nothing to be minimized.   I am convinced that your prayers helped slow the bleeding and then stop the bleeding.   It’s amazing how small problems can become significant problems because you take blood thinners.  But ironically, the blood thinners are what keep you alive.  Seems to be how this works though.  A lesson from this week, nothing is routine in our lives.  What should have been a routine cath change turned into something not quite so routine.  Once again, thank you to those who follow us on Facebook and saw my impromptu posts requesting specific prayer.

Life is much different for me.

Living with MS has been hard.  It’s continuously changing our life.  I would like to think we have become more adept at adjusting, but I think it’s just as hard as it used to be.  MS has changed every single one of us.  There is no way to say MS has affected one person more than the other; it just has touched each one of us differently.

However, this weekend because of the changes MS has brought into our lives, Krisann and I stepped out of our comfort zone, and I think it’s turning out to be a pleasant experience.

We have not socialized with MS families, partly because we don’t want to be them!  I know that’s a crazy sounding reason, but it’s true.  Other families can have MS, but not ours!  Yes, eight years past diagnosis, we still feel that way.

The National MS Society hosts a weekend camp for children who have a parent that has MS.  Our older children were only young enough to go one year and the camp was full.  So they did not experience this camp.  Because of Krisann’s processing issues and anxiety, I have never felt she was at a place where she would enjoy or have a successful camp experience before.

I guess one can say that girl has made progress in the last year because I felt like it might be an opportunity for aloneness to be removed in that girl’s life.  I see a picture every time I walk in her room that she painted, and it breaks my heart.

Kids Journey Camp 2018

So this weekend, she and I made a trip to MS camp.  I had no idea what to expect and neither did she.  I had no clue whether she would stay at camp or not.  However, I had a glimmer of hope that she was ready to succeed in this adventure.  Nevermind, I will go to all extremes to remove aloneness for people. I hoped that she would make new friends who understood how life was much different.

Friday evening, we arrive at camp and shall I say there were no signs, there was nothing to direct us where to go.  I wasn’t impressed.  When we finally found where we were to be, the check-in procedure had much to be desired.  My heart began to question whether I should leave her or not.  In the bathroom after checking in she whispers, I am uncertain about this.  The only thing I could whisper back is I am uncertain too!

Being the mom who has learned to do hard things for her children, I knew I had to leave her.  I had to take this opportunity for her, despite my uncertainty.  It wasn’t the most beautiful departure ever.  I have no pictures to show you!  So that communicates it wasn’t great experience.  I traveled 40 minutes back to town only to realize in the stress of all that departing; I left my purse.  Only one option was available at this point.  I had to turn around drive back into the boondocks, to fetch my purse!  (Yep, if I had to drive country roads, I figured I could use my country speech.)

To reduce her and my anxiety, I decided to stay nearby just in case a quick kid retrieval was necessary.  At 8:00 last night I received a text message from the lady in her cabin.  She has been extremely shy and did not eat dinner.  She has finally made a friend at the pool; I think she is going to be okay mom.  At 10:30 pm this picture comes across my phone.

I am anxious to pick her up in the morning and hear all about a fantastic weekend.  I have received a couple more texts and pictures, so I know a good time continues.

There was an educational time this morning with medical staff from UAB to help these kids understand about MS and what is happening to their parent.  They also spent time answering the kids’ questions about MS. I have prayed much that this would be something that would give Krisann more insight and understanding as she struggles to understand.

My heart is fully expecting in the days to come that there are likely to be more questions and possibly hard questions as she processes what she heard.  I have prayed for sweet friends who remove aloneness in this child’s life.

In each picture I have received, this other precious girl has been right with Krisann.  I don’t even know this other child’s name, but I have not only thanked God for a special friend I have also prayed that Krisann would remove aloneness in her new found friend’s little life.

Up Next…Heart Ablation

So, friends, there is a problem here.  I hate to talk about me.  I would much rather write about Zine and Chloe!  Ha!  And I almost chose not to share this, but convicted me otherwise!  But I am having another heart ablation Monday.  It is not that I don’t like sharing about me, it just is one more thing for the Smith family.  And with that thought, comes a boatload of shame!  Stress has also played a role in this heart issue as I know when I’m stressed my heart is much much worse.  So often I feel shame that I can’t deal with my stress better.  I know there’s only so much I can do, but yet, shame still arises.  Therefore, it’s hard to share about me!

Some moments my heart works perfectly fine.  There are other times when my heart goes into ventricular tachycardia.  When it does that, it bothers me.  I have enough anxiety because of life’s circumstances, without a crazy beating heart making me feel anxious.

I had my first ablation in January.   It did help my heart tremendously but did not fix my heart completely.  I still have some awful days.  After some testing and discussion, the decision was made to repeat the ablation.  A heart ablation is not an easy procedure!  And my last experience was even harder because I had to be awake for most of the procedure.  I would be deceiving you if I said I was entering Monday without any hesitation. Truthfully, there is much hesitation.  But now I will share why I was convicted to share with you.

You are our prayer warriors, and I need prayer.  For the ablation to be successful, my heart needs to make all its crazy beating patterns repeatedly.  So I know this is an odd request, but can you pray that my heart would be doing it’s insane beating thing regularly Monday morning?!  I’m praying that even Sunday night will be a no sleep night due to my heart being crazy and I’m praying that if it just beats crazy on its own, I can sleep right through the procedure.

Sharing our lives with you is difficult and a blessing at the same time.

Thank you so much for following our crazy journey and interceding for our family.  Sharing our lives with you is sometimes very difficult.  We don’t always share it easily.  Sometimes, there are painful consequences because of our sharing.  But at the same time, we are so blessed by sharing our lives with you.  We are grateful that you intercede for us.  We are honored to walk alongside some of you in stressful situations because we were vulnerable enough to share our struggles. Each time we receive a note letting us know you were encouraged by something we shared, we are blessed.

Being vulnerable is scary.  It feels like weakness.  However, I think it is courage!  I love Brene Brown’s writings.  Brene says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing–it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.  Vulnerability is not weakness it’s our greatest measure of courage.”  She also says, “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.”  I’m finally learning to believe the courage part.  I haven’t gotten to the beautiful part yet!