It’s no secret that marriage has seasons that are extremely difficult! We’ve all been through them. And if you haven’t then please come counsel us! I just think it is part of living with and loving each other.
I personally have had to do a lot of praying lately! It’s no secret that Zine has gotten on my nerves over the last couple of months! In our relationship, I am constantly questioning is this from the disease or is this just part of being married or is this just a transition phase we are in. I have prayed a lot that God would soften my heart! I’ve asked God to show me where I have been dealing with things incorrectly and show me where improvements need to be made on my end. I can’t change Zine but I can change me with God’s help! So…I’ve been doing lots of soul searching and lots of praying. Kinda like when my mom first had alzheimer’s disease…the same questions over and over again would drive me bonkers. So I did a lot of praying that God would help me love my mom well in the last years of her life! And over time, God changed my heart and has allowed me to love well. So the same thing has been going on in my heart over my marriage. God help me love well. Soften my heart Jesus. Show me my wrongs! Etc.
And oh my goodness, one morning this week God smacked me over the head!!!! Zine and I were having our morning discussion over how much help he needed/wanted and what he didn’t need/want. We have a routine but sometimes Zine likes to improve routine! Or at least thinks he is improving routine. And the ending is never good when he does! So here I sit and Zine opens the door like he’s ready for me to come help him. So instead of just getting up and going, I say do you want my help this morning? Zine looks at me and says, Do I want your help? No. But I think we have discussed that help is the best option. So why did you ask me that question? My response was simply I just am making sure that you still want help! And Zine replied, Get behind me Satan!
All of a sudden I felt like God smacked me over the head. Here I have been blaming Zine this whole time for all these issues we’ve had going on here. But once I began to pray that God would change my heart and show me where I was imperfect in our marriage, He did just that. God said, look Karen, you thought in your mind you were being nice and considerate but in essence the enemy is using that little attitude to his advantage. And you are allowing the enemy to use you on his side of the battle line! Wow! What a thought to process this week!
I have been on the enemy’s battle line. I have allowed the enemy to use me to create tension in our marriage. I have not seen it that way at all. I am so grateful that I began to pray that God would show me where I could improve and where I was wrong. Seems it took a smack on the head for me to see my place in the enemy’s line up!
I think I need to pray more regularly for God to show me where I am being used by the enemy. Whose battle line do I stand on? Just because my actions seem right and good in my mind doesn’t mean that it is God working in my life. I have a battle to fight and I do not want to fight from the enemy’s line! My prayer is that I begin everyday asking God to show me the battles of the enemy and ask Him to help me stand not on the enemy’s line but rather stand so that my eyes are focused on Him but at same time never losing sight of my enemy and open my eyes to the ways of the enemy in my life!
Abraham Lincoln once said, “Sir my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.” God is always right. And God promises to be on my side! I need to be concerning myself with whose battle line I stand on each day and not allowing the enemy to use me for his schemes!
