I don’t know that I have ever experienced that feeling before. Everyone else is excited and thankful but I wasn’t. That’s a crazy feeling. Yesterday, Zine was released from the hospital to come home. The doctors and physical therapist have put the fear in us about what happens if Zine falls!! We have gone over changes we need to make. And we are in the process of making some changes. It just takes awhile to get those done! So in the meantime, we must be very careful of falls!
Yesterday, when he was released, my Facebook exploded with sentiments of gratefulness and thanks. I got text messages saying I’m so glad you’re going home! I’m so glad you are home!!
And I felt guilty for not being thankful and excited. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be home and lay down in my bed. A hospital recliner is not that awesome…if you try to turn over watch out because invariably I found myself sitting upright everytime I tried to roll over! However, at the hospital there were other people there. Zine was in bed for the most part. There were people there if I had a question. Zine was not trying to make unwise choices because he couldn’t do much there. Now, I’m bringing him home and everyone is excited but me. Talk about feeling alone??!!
I went to pharmacy to get new meds after bringing him home. And I made the pharmacy staff all cry. They know me on first name basis there. And even with them, I very openly shared how guilty I felt about coming home and not being excited. And yes, the tears rolled. They most definitely have never seen me cry! But they did yesterday! But the pharmacist looked at me and said, Karen I get it! I understand! And she assured me that she thought she would be the same way!! That made me feel a bit better. But…I really don’t know that I’ve ever had something where everyone was excited besides me. That might have been a first for me!
My husband told someone tonight that he’s seen me cry more this week than he has in 21 years of marriage. And I foresee another emotion filled week in my future next week!! I think I counted 9 doctors appointments for my family this coming week. If tears are healing, then I should well be on my way to healing!!! And God has definitely had to get a larger bottle to hold these tears this week!
This week has forever changed me!! I have been to places that no wife ever wants to go. There are things that I haven’t even managed to put voice to yet. And I don’t know that I will ever be able to do that. But I know I have learned some things…God’s grace is most definitely sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And I have experienced the love of our family like never before. And most of that had to do with my willingness to freely receive! For the first time ever, I have not felt guilty about people taking care of my family and doing things at my house. I never once begrudged the fact that people were loving us! I’m sorry I had to get to the depths of despair as I did before I could freely accept love from others!! I’ve also shared my life with others like never before! It’s amazing what God can do in our lives when we are literally at the end of our rope! Thank goodness, when I reached the end of my rope this week that Jesus was there!!
