So last night was a rough night.  Thankfully this afternoon has been better.

Just with the IV antibiotics that happens, that’s enough to interrupt your rest in big ways.  But last night Conner’s blood pressure and heart rate decided not to play nice.  His blood pressure kept going down really low and his heart rate was fluctuating like crazy.  They went from using the electric bp machines to doing it the old way!  Then they started waking him up.  Then the nurses made him get up. They would say I know you’re tired but our job is to keep you safe and we need you to get up.   I was super scared.  He was just grumpy and didn’t realize the significance of where he was physically.  I had a lot of praying to do last night.  And you know for some reason, things are always worse when you are alone in the dark!!  My mom always said in the early morning hours is when a large majority of people pass away.  There’s something about those in the middle of the night early morning hours that can be torturous when you are with very sick people.  And Conner was very sick.  I do not want a repeat of last night to say the least.

Sometimes experiences cause triggers to happen.  This was one of them.

I had another night like that one time.  If you have kept up with my blog over the years, you will remember our nightmare in real life.  Last night was one of those.  You guys, until you have stood by the bed of your husband thinking he was going to die or you have sat in a room and watched your son’s blood pressure go down and down, I don’t think there’s any way to comprehend the flood of emotions.  Experiences like these change you forever.  They have a way of making you grow older in an instant.  I told someone yesterday, that my faith was strong and I knew God’s grace was sufficient and His strength was made perfect in my weakness, but dog gone this was still no fun and my body still felt stress.  So last night even in the midst of panic, my faith didn’t waiver.  I am so grateful that God has done such a work in my life over the past couple of years.  Was I afraid?  Absolutely.  Did I feel a weight of bricks in my chest?  Yes, I did.  Was there a feeling of suffocation?  There was.  But there was faith in the middle of all that.  Faith that God was going to carry us through whatever the circumstances were.  Faith that God saw us and He loved us.  Faith and struggles didn’t collide last night.  They worked hand in hand and for that I’m grateful.

This afternoon has brought improvements.  They did a blood test to assess the antibiotic levels.  It needed to be in a certain range.  They had to up one antibiotic but as of the last check, it was in perfect range for him to get the best benefit.  His arm is not as red.  His fever is gone.  His bp has slowly come up today.  It’s still low but it’s higher than it has been since Monday.  When they checked it about an hour ago, I was pretty sure I was going to break out in a happy dance.  That was when I realized just how much stress I had been feeling.

This IV Pole has held more medicine in 24 hours than I think I have ever seen one hold.

Not only has this pole been busy our room has been busy.  It was chaos all day yesterday and last night. Today we had an on top of it nurse.  So he kept things running very smoothly and efficiently.  I didn’t have to push the silence button on the beeping but one time and often he was in here before it went off to check.  He was a top notch nurse!!

Tonight I am thinking back over the past few days but especially the last 24 hours.  I almost let my son go to school all day long yesterday.  Had I done that, I have nightmares over what could have been.  So when those nightmares enter my mind, I am simply taking them and giving them to Jesus with gratitude.  Gratitude that in my weakness His strength was perfect.  Gratitude that I had a friend that was wise and wasn’t afraid to be bold.  Like really bold because sometimes I’m stubborn!  Gratitude for our hospital who have been so diligent with his care.  Grateful for those two nurses who kept my son alive last night.  Had he been at home and not here, I fear the worst.  So there is much to be grateful for.

Now I will be honest as we get ready to head into bedtime, there is much anxiety in my heart.  It’s a plea that keeps coming out, dear Jesus, please keep his blood pressure up.  Please do not make me endure another night like I had last night.  So although my faith is not wavering, my anxiety is still high.  And that’s okay.  I think that comes with loving!

If his bp will cooperate tonight and if his blood culture comes back good tomorrow, then I think they will let us go home with antibiotics.  And you know there should be a sweetness about going home.  But it always comes with a hefty amount of uncertainty.  There’s comfort in being where we are with people who are trained.  At home, the decisions rest on me.  And to be honest, that’s a heavy burden to bear.  But I keep reminding myself that God sent someone yesterday morning to be bold and make the decision I already felt might be the right one but didn’t have the strength to make it on my own and if needed He will send someone else to assist in my weakness.   But let me just be real….I don’t wanna do this again!!!!

A Glimpse into Another Facet of Weeks Like This

My sweet husband has been so worried and anxiety driven.  I have been so worried about him while all this was going on.  My heart has broken for him.  It’s just hard for him to get out and go places.  It’s hard to be away from home and independence.  And he feels in the way with his big wheelchair and how he maneuvers around.  He has to keep his feet up or else they get very large and that takes up even more space.  As we encounter new circumstances and we are forced to make decisions as to what is best, they are heart-wrenching.  This has been a difficult circumstance for us as we have made hard decisions about how best to make things work.  Reminds me of our conversation the other day when we talked about what to do when my mama passed away.  Was he up for a 10-hour trip??  My parents’ house is not accessible so he can’t even get to a bathroom and would be completely dependent on me.  I am going to want to be with my family in those days and is he going to be willing to let others help him or is he better to stay at home?  Decisions that have to be made that are so incredibly difficult.  Just another glimpse into some difficult decisions that have to be made in our lives that most of you would never ever consider.  I hate MS!  But I love Jesus and His strength and His power at work in me!

And just for the record, forgive any mistakes in the past two posts.  I have not gone back and read them. Much less edited them.  So you are getting raw version!  Real life!

Pray tonight that Conner’s blood pressure would continue to go up.  Pray that his blood cultures will be normal.  Pray that we will be able to go home tomorrow at some point.  Pray that Conner’s body will continue to heal.  Pray for fears to subside and for peace to overtake all the anxiety that has gripped our hearts!