It ain’t a fairytale day, that’s for sure!  When I started my blog, one of the reasons I started writing was because I struggled with people who always seemed to have life together.  I felt much condemnation when I would feel like I didn’t have life together.  So part of the reason I started blogging about our lives was to be an example that EVEN as a Christian, we can have seasons of struggle and that does not make us a bad or weak Christian.

Friends, this is a struggle for me.  It has been, and it continues to be.  I feel so many walk around making everyone think their life is beautiful and they are happy-go-lucky all the time.  I also feel much judgment that I don’t walk around happy-go-lucky all the time.  But I am confident, struggles are a part of life.  And not every day is a fairytale day.  And THAT IS OKAY!

Therefore, if you want an uplifting post tonight, just stop right here.  Don’t read any further.  I’m about to share a hefty dose of reality!

No Sleep Night

I don’t know what it was last night…but I could NOT go to sleep.  About 3 am I finally dozed off, only to awake at 3:30 with weird things going on.  My body was doing funky things..like twitches or something.  I could have sworn I heard male voices talking.  And a lovely hot flash enveloped me.  I finally got settled around 4:30 and was awaken by 6 am by my dogs.  It was a no sleep night.

All in one day…

Every day starts with showers, getting dressed, etc.  I not only get myself ready, but I also help my husband get dressed.  This is a daily occurrence.

Two Hour Appointment with Chloe

Yall, I had to take my 17-year-old to a urologist.  What a crazy event.  Not to give details, but there is a pretty significant issue going on that is going to require some pretty significant life changes most likely.  The thought is some of her medicine is causing problems with her bladder.  Unfortunately, we don’t think the likely culprit is a drug we can change.  Thus, a follow up with the neurologist has to occur to discuss medication.  What I believe the reality is–we have to deal with more issues.  Fix one thing and break something else.  Pray for us that as we work through the discussions, we would all have great wisdom.  There are no good options.

Although, we did start our morning off in this brand new office with quite a funny.

We get registered and sit down in the waiting room.  Behind the glass, we see a nurse with a shirt on that made us crack up laughing.  I decided I needed a picture of this shirt for my blog.  Chloe has a fit that I am just taking a picture of this woman without her even knowing.  I explained that I was not taking a picture of the woman.  I was taking a picture of the shirt, and there was a difference!  🙂  God likes to give us good gifts, so it happened that this was the nurse that took us to the room and did some scans.  Guess what?  I had the opportunity to get up close and personal with this t-shirt.  And yes, I did ask if I could take her picture and use it on my blog!  She hesitantly agreed.  So without further ado, I present you the t-shirt from the urology office.

Sometimes, I think God knows we need silly things to bring laughter into our stressful moments.

No worries, Zine, your urine is in my safe hands!

I hope you’re laughing right now!

Through monthly blood work, we have discovered his white blood counts are high.  Trying to track down the source of the elevated white blood count, a urine culture is the first place we chose to research.

Zine had a fall on Sunday.   The lesson learned is that everyone takes naps on Sunday and no one answers their phones.  I was afraid I might have to call 911 for help!  Thankfully, with some smart thinking on Zine’s part and at the expense of every ounce of strength he and I both had, we finally managed to get him out of the floor and into his chair through a detailed process.  He has also been sleeping a good bit during the day.  We have signs that something is not right as well.  Praying it is something as simple as UTI!

Drop Off Times 2

I bring Chloe home from her 2-hour appointment and load Zine and Krisann up and off we go into town.  I drop Zine off at The Cancer Center for a port flush.  We love our cancer center doctor, but the parking garage makes my blood boil every time I pull in.  Since there’s never handicap parking, I have to drop Zine off anyway and then go park.  Today I pull up, drop him off, and then I decide to leave him instead of going to park.  🙂

On to the primary care doctor across town, where Krisann and I drop off Zine’s cup for cultures and then head back to pick up Zine who is now making friends with the security guard in the parking garage!  Lol.  Yall, this whole ordeal is quite funny when you think about it all.  Drop Zine off in the parking garage, go across town to prove that his urine is in my safe hands, then come back and pick him up in the parking garage!

A Break Before Car Line

One thing I have not missed about homeschooling is carline.  However, because I love my sweet friend, I have agreed to pick up her daughter from school a couple of afternoons a week.  Today was one of those days.  Instead of hurrying home to drop Zine and Krisann at home and then head back into town at breakneck speed, I decided that we needed some fresh air.  So we took about an hour and sat outside at Starbucks and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  It was definitely what this tired mama needed.

Carline was a lot more fun today with the added company.  And I think my adopted daughter enjoyed the new company as well.  Zine might have a new outing to do with me a few days a week!  Carline!!

The day’s not done.  A vet appointment was next on my list.

I did have to call and request to be 15 minutes late.  I dropped the two humans off at the house, picked up the blind dog and headed to the vet.  Not only is she blind, but she has had kidney disease for several many years.  However, lately, her kidneys have not been doing too fantastic, so she has required some medication changes and monitoring.  Yet again, this dog’s medicine needs to be increased!

The next stop made me happy!  No, my day is still not complete!

With my dog in tow, I head to the pharmacy to pick up an antibiotic for Zine.  Folks, until we met our deductible, I’ve had to pay for his medicine out of pocket.  It has not been uncommon for me to fork over $300 to $500 per prescription.  However, this is proof the deductible has now been met.  These monstrosity pharmacy bills have done quite the number on our budget.  I am very thankful to have met our deductible.

What’s for dinner?

It’s time to head home, and I wonder what’s for dinner?  Gluten-free diet impacts the ability to pull through and pick something up.  However, today, it had to be.  So yes, I fed my kids cheese dip and chips from the Mexican restaurant for dinner.  No more quesadillas, or soft tacos, but this mom was not below feeding chips and dip for dinner tonight!  Know what…I didn’t feel one ounce of guilt about their meal either.

Want to know what else, I put my PJs on at 6 pm.  The cheese dip may very likely still be sitting on my dining room table along with leftover chips.  I’m not even stressing over it!  When Krisann asked for her bath, I promptly replied, “no baths tonight.”  Please don’t get close to my girls before morning…they probably stink.  Know what else…a little dirt never hurt anyone and I am not going to feel guilty about skipping a bath tonight.  I might not should tell you though, I skipped baths last night too.  Now, a little shame enters the picture for a split second, and I remember I’m working on not living in constant shame, so I just let that go too!  Baths are overrated on this Thursday night.  Friday morning, they might be back in style!

The mail…

Sometimes, the mail should just be avoided as well.  Just when you think life with dementia has ended, a whole new story erupts.  I am not even going into those details right now.  But this book represents another new season of my life.  A not fun season for sure.

Believe this or not, I have not even told you about all of my day.  I have only told you parts of my day!

I have tried to present this humorously.  But it has not been a fairytale day in any way, shape, form or fashion.  Each of these pictures represents deep heartache.  Even my happy picture of our time outside Starbucks includes much pain.  You see, Krisann has not been doing well this week with anxiety.  Leaving her is not an option at the moment.  Bless her, she gets to enter the adult world of urine cups (which she would never ever carry by the way), and port flushes all to try to help control the horrible anxiety!  Ummm, isn’t there something wrong with that picture?  Sounds like creating more stress instead of relieving it.

Welcome to our world.

Welcome to the nights this week, I have sat in her bed for hours trying to get her to sleep with tears galore because she’s terrified someone is going to kidnap her.  No amount of reasoning has helped.  We have prayed many prayers, we have quoted many Scriptures, we have sung many songs, we have kicked the enemy to the curb with much power, and none of these things have settled her anxiety.  Welcome to my world of constant whining and tears everytime I turn around.  Welcome to the world where my Chloe had come to my relief when I just needed to go to bed, Chloe has dealt with the anxiety.  One anxiety driven person helping another. Sometimes that is a recipe for disaster, but sometimes, Chloe is fantastically awesome with Krisann.

Welcome to the days this week that…

–I have had to ask someone to drive me for my medical test

–When I couldn’t find help when help was needed (and yes, I’m sure I didn’t exhaust my resources but eventually you get tired of calling people and vow just to do it yourself!)

–I have felt so overwhelmed entirely with where we are in life that I honestly couldn’t be still

–Constant schedule organization so that I can make sure everyone gets to where they need to be (an added three therapy appointments a week for Krisann are about to put me over the edge)

–Tears flowed even when I did not want them to leak

It ain’t a fairytale day and it ain’t a fairytale week!

AND IT’S OKAY!

I’m not a bad Christian because my week has not been good.  It doesn’t mean next week will be gloom and doom.  I don’t have to feel shame because I have emotions. Instead, I had received some compassion this week in moments when I was so overflowing tears could not be contained.

In my struggle of things being way out of whack and feeling guilty because I have let myself get to a place of discouragement, God showed me there is a fairytale.

[bctt tweet=”The fairytale in the middle of the struggles is God loves me with a love that can not be comprehended and His love requires nothing of me but that I receive.  ” username=”kksmith8694″]

So although it ain’t a fairytale day nor week, I do live a fairytale life!  Struggles do not keep God from loving me.  Struggles help us open our heart more to His love and His love being poured out through others.